Pyro Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
by Tsubasa Hane
Summary: What do you get when an Australian takes on the role of a swingin' British agent? Features cameos galore. Second in the MOVIE PARODY series.
1. Scene I

Well, _minna_, it's that time again.  The next chapter of Primary Colors will be up as soon as my laptop comes back from the repair company, but until then, I figured I'd entertain my loyal readers (do I have loyal readers?) with a brand new parody!  This probably isn't going to be as good as Whodunit? was, but it should still be, at the very least, mildly entertaining.

Characters are desperately needed for this super-sized casting list, so there will be no director this time, and just about everybody—and I mean _everybody_—gets at least a brief cameo.  I'll do my best in terms of updating, but my schedule's gonna be nuts until I finish all this college applying and stuff.

~~~~~~~~~~  
DISCLAIMER:  The characters of _X-men: Evolution_ are not mine.  The movie _Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me_ is not mine.  I am simply using them for my own entertainment.  Oh, and yours, of course.  The only thing I own in any possible way is Ryo, and I wonder about her sometimes….  
~~~~~~~~~~

"Pyro Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me"  
A parody of _Austin Powers 2_  
Written and Directed by: _DragonBlond_

**Apocolypse [voice-over]:  **Previously on _X-men: Evolution_…Oh, I'll tell you what happened.  I kicked some major mutant ass, _that's_ what happened!  You see, it all began—

Oops…wrong script.  *shuffles though papers* Sorry 'bout that Nur, baby, sweetheart.  Here you go.

**Apocolypse [voice-over]:** Hey!  This isn't about me!

Just read it.

**Apocolypse [voice-over]:** *mumbles* Fine.  In his last adventure, Austin Powers—a swinging spy from the sixties—was unfrozen in the nineties to battle his archenemy, Dr. Evil.  Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth…hmm, never though of trying that one before…and banished him into space forever.  Or so he thought…

_Elegant double doors of the French Riviera can be seen, with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite."   A Do-Not-Disturb sign hangs from the handle._

_Pyro and Amara snuggle together in bed.  She plays with his chest hair._

**Amara:** I love you, Mr. Powers

**Pyro:** And I love you, Mrs. Powers

_He pauses, then turns to the camera._

**Pyro:** Hold on a sec, mate…couldn't I get in trouble, since she's…y'know…underage?

Director's License.

**Pyro:** Schweet.

_Pyro gets out of bed.  We see Amara putting on her robe from behind.  She and Pyro kiss._

**Amara:** Let's go out on the terrace.  It's a beautiful night; we can look at the stars! 

**Pyro:** Works for me.

_The two of them step outside, where they gaze upwards at a beautiful, star-filled sky._

**Pyro:** Look how beautiful the night sky is.

**Amara:** *points* Isn't that the big dipper?

**Pyro:** *also points* Yeah!  And that looks just like Uranus.

**Amara:** Pervert.

_She smacks him, rolling her eyes.  But as she does so, her sight sets on something…unusual._

**Amara:** Hey, I've never seen that big star before.

**Pyro:** Yeah…what is that?

_He pulls a big-ass telescope from virtually nowhere and takes a look._

_Inside the Bob's Big Boy rocket you ALL remember from the first movie…we see Magneto!_

**Magneto:** This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers.  There's more than one way to skin a cat…isn't there, Mr. Bigglesworth?

_He pets a half-frozen Lockheed, who is wearing cat-ears._

**Lockheed:** *growls*

**Magneto:** Sorry.  Maybe I should've worded that better.

_A hatch in the rocket's butt opens up, and Magneto's silver egg capsule poops out…literally._

**Egg Capsule:** PFFT!

_The capsule begins its fiery re-entry to Earth._

**Pyro:** *eyes light up* Fire?

Not now, John.

**Pyro:** aww…

_Pyro walks inside, shutting the balcony door behind him._

**Pyro:** Oh, well…I guess it was nothing

_Amara crosses, carrying a bouquet of flowers that obscure her face.   Pyro walks over to the room service cart._

**Pyro:** *to Amara* Care for some champagne?

_He pours himself a glass, and raises it._

**Pyro:** Here's to monotony—I mean—monogamy!

_He downs the glass…then, as an after thought, downs four more._

_Amara sits at the vanity table with her back turned._

**Pyro:** …hello?  Vanessa?  What are you doing, luv?

**Amara:** Just putting on my—

_As she turns around, she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE, revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth should be._

**Fembot Amara:** *computerized voice* —MAKE-UP!

_Pyro recoils in fear._

**Pyro:** Vanessa!  You're a fembot!

**Fembot Amara:** You're a quick one.

_They fight.  Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Amara's breasts.  Pyro stares._

**Pyro:** Is it cold in here, or is it just you?  I mean—machine gun jubblies?  How did I miss those?!

**Fembot Amara:** *computerized voice* Perhaps.  Next.  Time.  You.  Should.  Try.  Foreplay.

**Pyro:** Ouch.

_Her machine-gun breasts fire, spraying the room with bullets in slow-motion.  Then they run out of ammo…_

**Machine-gun breasts:** CLICK!  CLICK!

**Fembot Amara:** Crap…

_Pyro empties his gun into the robot, but it does very little.  She rushes at him.  He tries a judo chop, but also to no avail.  Then he notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it._

_Amara starts to twitch.  Her head spins, and she explodes._

**Pyro:** That's handy.

_Fembot parts fly everywhere.  Pyro sits on the bed, saddened.  He holds Fembot Amara's hand, which has wires hanging out of the wrist.  One of the fingers still holds her wedding ring._

_Very sad piano music plays._

**Pyro:** I can't believe Vanessa…my bride…my one true love…the woman who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another…the person who taught me the meaning of love…was a Fembot.  How will I ever go on?

_There is a pause as he realizes something, lifting his head up.  The sad music comes to a screeching halt._

**Pyro:** Wait a tic!  That means I'm single again!  Oh, behave!!!

**Fembot Amara's Head:** *dryly* Nice.  To.  See.  How.  Much.  I.  Meant.  To.  You….

[cue music: "The Streak," by Ray Stevens starts to play]

_As non-important credits roll across the screen, Pyro goes streaking through the entire hotel._

**Pyro:** *laughing insanely* Hahahahaha!  Yeah, mate!

_Most of the cast covers his/her eyes…although more than a few girls peek._

**Pyro:** Yeah, baby, I'm free!  Naked and free!

_He runs through a hotel lobby…joins a nude marching band…goes to a nude beach…and jumps on a trampoline._

_Once again fully-clothed, he does a super-double flip into the drivers' seat of a Jaguar._

**Pyro:** Shaguar, baby, yeah!

_A close-up of the script on the grill is seen, reading "Shaguar" where Jaguar is supposed to be._

_The car speeds off._

_A full-screen TV appears, with the JERRY SPRINGER show on the air._

_On-stage, we see Logan—a Klansman father—and Bobby—his Klansman son—as well as Sabertooth and Graydon Creed, and Todd all seated on a panel.  Graydon is wearing a "DESTROY ALL MUTANTS!" t-shirt, while Logan and Bobby are wearing KKK hats._

_In the lower part of the screen, the caption reads: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD"_

_Lance faces the screen with a microphone._

**Lance:** If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take over the world."  Now, Bobby…you had something you wanted to share with your father before the break?

_Bobby turns to Logan._

**Bobby:** Dad, I know you're against race mixing and all that, but I met someone…

**Logan:** Don't say it!

_The crowd WHOOPS._

**Logan:** SHUT UP!

_The crowd goes silent as he bares his claws at them._

**Bobby:** I met someone…and he's black.

_The crowd goes crazy._

**Logan:** He?

**Lance:** Please welcome…Tim.

_Evan appears from backstage, and high-fives Bobby as soon as he appears.  The crowd screams._

_Ignoring a now cracking-up Bobby and Evan…and a slightly-paler-than-usual Logan…Lance moves on to Todd._

**Lance:** Now Scott, tell us about your problem.  Share with us.

**Todd:**  My problem?  I'll tell you my problem…just because the guy who played Scott Evil in the original movie was named Seth GREEN, _DragonBlond_ thinks she's sooooo funny.  WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YA, BLONDIE—NO ONE'S LAUGHING!!!

…

**Lance:** …I meant about your father.

**Todd:** Oh, yeah.  Him.  Well, he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world domination.  You know, the usual.

**Lance:** Uh…huh.  And where is your father right now?

**Todd:** *casually* In outer space, like, frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth.

**Lance:** Really?  Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott….  Let's bring out Scott's father, Dr. Evil.

_Todd turns around just in time to see Magneto entering.  A caption reading "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD" appears at the bottom of the screen._

**Magneto:** Hello, Scott.  I'm back.

**Todd:** _You're_ my father?!  I mean…I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television!

_Magneto shrugs._

**Magneto:** They offered me a free makeover.

**Lance:** Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of fathers here today open up to their sons, sons to the fathers.  Is there anything you'd like to share?

**Magneto:** Share?

**Lance:** Yes.  Don't you have any secrets?

**Magneto:** I see dead people.

**Lance:** I mean any _other_ secrets.

**Magneto:** Okay.  I have a vestigial tail.

_The audience is slightly grossed out by this._

**Magneto:**  It's more of a nub, really.  The spine just goes on a little longer than it should.  Also, I've dabbled.  I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual.  I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot—but here's where the story gets interesting.  He was lactose-intolerant.  He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell.  And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank—not Beast, but another Hank—hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth."  One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man.  I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a talented Jennifer Lopez.  Dancer, singer, actor…and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four.

**Lance:** But of course.

**Magneto:** DON'T INTERUPT!  Ahem…I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle.  All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor tooth and perhaps a grudging respect for a weaker sex.  It didn't last very long, though.  I love toe cleavage.  For the post part, I distrust dogs.  I slept in a horse once.  It was quite roomy.  On second thought, it was the Ritz.  I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'.  I wrote "It's Raining Men," or so the Christmas babies told me.  Oh, yes…I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was in a coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash…but who, at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that?

_The Springer audience—those who are still awake, at least—are stunned, slack-jawed and for once, silent._

**Conscious Springer audience members:** *blink*

**Logan:** What are you, some kind of freak?

**Todd:** Shut up, jagoff!

_The unconscious Springer audience members wake up just in time to start WHOOPing._

**Logan:** WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!

_Even that doesn't stop them…for no power is greater than a Springer audience._

**Logan:** Grrr…*to Todd*  I'll kick your ass, punk!

**Magneto:** No one talks to my boy that way!

_Magneto charges Logan and starts to bitch-slap him silly.  Colossus, in metal form and wearing a headset, runs to separate them._

**Magneto:** *takes a deep breath* I'm okay, I'm okay.

_There is a pause, then Dr. Evil charges him again, knocking him down._

**Graydon:** …and you people wonder why I hate mutants?

*          *          *          *          *

Kinda short, I know…but we're just getting started!  ^_~

R+R.  All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed towards the characters themselves.  Starting next chapter, _they_ will be answering your reviews.  Cool, huh?


	2. Scene II

I had to post this up a couple days early, actually, otherwise you wouldn't hear from me for another week.  My weekend's gonna be pretty rough: ACTs first thing in the morning…a shopping trip to the new _Target_ (hopefully *crosses fingers*)… work on Sunday… a ton of homework… and practice for my road test on Monday.  Wish me luck!

~~~~~~~~~~  
REVIEWS!

**Amara:** *dryly* So nice to see you all enjoyed watching me explode.

**Pyro:** Lighten up, luv…all in good humor, right?

_todd fan_****

**Todd:** …haven't I heard that penname somewhere before?__

_LOL!_

_This proves my theory that Parody writing is an addictive illness, you can't just write one.  I'm exhibit A, you can be exhibit B  *twitch twitch*_****

**Pyro:** She's right.  They're both crazy.

Oh, you're one to talk.

_No power is greater than a Springer audience._  
_…I couldn't agree more *shudder*_

**Brotherhood:** *chanting* Al-vers!  Al-vers!  Al-vers!

**Lance:** *twitch* 

_MoonlightPhoenix3_

_Hey!  This is really funny and you should write more soon!_

^_^ Glad you like it!

**All:** Don't encourage her!

Too late!

_Pyromaniac1_

**Pyro:** Ah, a sheila after my own heart.

_*Giggles* Brilliant, I tell you!  Would I be able to have permission to host this on Acolytes 'R' Us?  You'll have credit, of course._

**Logan:** Huh.  So _that_'s where Magneto gets his lackeys.

**Magneto:** *sighs* What was I thinking, going for the three-for-one sale?

_The Resident Psychopath_

_Great, I love it.  Hope you have even better chapters to come.  ^_^ -Streak 2_

**Pyro:** Ah, my adoring fans!

[He receives glares from the rest of the cast]

**Pyro:** *nervously* Er…I mean _our_ adoring fans…yeah, that's it.

*          *          *          *          *

_We pan up a modern office building.  The camera reaches the top, and we see a giant STARBUCKS logo and the words: "Starbucks World Headquarters."_

_Inside the penthouse boardroom, we see everything adorned with STARBUCKS paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans…and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks.  Naturally, it's getting quite crowded._

_Around a large table are Magneto (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot)…_

**Magneto:** I could've taken him; really…I just chose to remain the civilized of the two.  I wasn't raised in the wild, you know.

**Logan/Sabertooth:** *off-stage*  [low growl]

_…Mystique, Todd, and a few random henchmen.  Taryn is briefly seen serving everyone steaming hot coffee products._

_Remy steps into the spotlight, wearing a patch over one eye._

**Remy:** Dr. Evil, as the legitimate front man of your organization, I seized upon the opportunity to invest in a small, Seattle-based coffee company several years ago.  Today, Starbucks is a far-flung empire with two thousand outlets worldwide.

**Magneto:** What happened to the factory that built mini models of factories?

**Remy:** That was the first movie.

**Magneto:** Aww…*sniff* I really liked that factory.  Oh, well.  I _do_ enjoy a good cuppa joe.

**Remy:** If I may continue…I believe if we shift our resources away from world domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can increase our gross profits fivefold.

_Magneto takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a white, frothy milk moustache on his upper lip._

**Magneto:** Right.  Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit.  Might I remind you that I run the show here?  I demand a little respect!

_Remy motions towards the milk mustache._

**Remy:** Dr. Evil, I think you—

**Magneto:** Silence!  I will not tolerate your insolence!  Remember what happened last time?

~Flashback to: scene from the first movie.  Remy disappears backwards into the fiery pit.

_Remy smiles weakly, breaking into a nervous sweat._

**Remy:** May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little…misunderstanding.

**Magneto:** Nobody likes a brown-noser.

_He turns to Mystique._

**Magneto:** Frau Farbissina.  Wie gehts is einen?

_We see Mystique, looking slightly more…masculine than usual._

**Mystique:** You know, just because my son speaks German doesn't mean I do.

Just say the line.

**Mystique:** *nods her head* Zehr gut, Herr Doctor.

**Magneto:** How are things?

**Mystique:** I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover.

_We then see Irene sitting in the seat directly to Mystique's right.  She is wearing a [very fake] uni-brow._

**Mystique:** Her name is Unibrau.  I met her on the LPGA Tour.

**Magneto:** Makes sense.  Good for you.  Welcome, Unibrau.

_He takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy, milk mustache even larger._

_This time, Mystique is the one to motion to the moustache._

**Mystique:** Doctor, you have a…

_Magneto picks up a random mirror and finally notices._

**Magneto:** Got milk?

_Slightly embarrassed, but trying to act cool, he wipes it away._

**Remy:** Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the Greek assassin, Oedipus.

_We see Sabertooth sitting in one of the chairs, arms folded and glaring._

**Magneto:** Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

**Sabertooth:** Um…no.

**Magneto:** Okay then.  Welcome to my price army, Oedipus.  Excited?

**Sabertooth:** I could give a shit.

**Magneto:** Kiss your mother with that mouth?

**Sabertooth:** Yes.

**Magneto:** Of course you do…

_He begins to reach for a button on the console labeled "Oedipus," but Remy interrupts._

**Remy:** Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our ability to replace them.

**Magneto:** *sighs* I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two.  The key to life is to rotate your vices.  One day, it's executions, another day it's creamy, French cheese…it's like frickin' heroin!

**Remy:** Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer.  While you were frozen, we began a program to clone you.

**Magneto:** Cool.

**Remy:** We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results.

**Mystique:** SEND IN THE CLONE!

_Dramatic music begins to play as we see the shadow of an approaching figure.  The shadow looks like Dr. Evil…only much larger and scarier._

**Remy:** He is identical to you in every way…except he is one-eighth your intelligence.

_The door slides open to reveal…PIETRO!_

**Pietro:** Hehehehehehehehehehehee!

_He steps forwards, grinning madly, even wearing Magneto's signature bucket-helmet and oversized cape.  In doing so, he mimics the signature Dr. Evil mannerism of holding his pinky to his mouth._

_Magneto is amazed._

**Magneto:** Breathtaking.  I shall call him…Mini-Maggie!

**Pietro:** Hehehehehehehehehehehe!

**Magneto:** Mini-Maggie, will you sit to my right?

_Pietro zips over to the table, and climbs into a slightly smaller version of Magneto's command chair._

**Magneto:** Come, Mr. Bigglesworth!

_The cat-eared Lockheed runs and jumps into Magneto's lap.  A slightly smaller cat-eared Lockheed jumps into Pietro's lap._

**Todd:** *in fear* Dear god, there's TWO of them!

**Magneto:** Mini-Maggie…something to eat?  

_Pietro shakes his head furiously, holding up two-dozen chocolate bars and grinning evilly._

**Magneto:** All right, then.  *to room* Gentleman, I have a plan.  As you know, the most powerful man in the world is the President of the United States.  That's what he likes to think, anyways.  But he is just that—a man, subject to temptations of the flesh like any other man.  Here's what we do: we make it seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with—and this is the kicker…

_Pause._

**Magneto:** With a White House intern!

_Magneto gloats.  Seeing him do so, Pietro gloats too._

_Remy clears his throat._

**Magneto:** …what, that already happened?

_Remy nods._

**Remy: **It's just as well, sir…all that came out of it was a long, boring trial, and a life-long career in the spotlight for that hussy, Monica.

**Magneto:** This is ri—goddamn—diculous!  Oh, well…how about a frickin' time machine?  Does the president have a time machine?  Have I been scooped on that?

**Remy:** Probably, but we can do it anyway.

**Magneto:** All right, time machine it is.  As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers.  And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?

**Todd:** Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope?

_Pietro zips onto the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button, but Mystique squirts him with a water bottle.  He hisses at her briefly, gives Todd the finger, and zips back into his seat to sulk._

**Pietro:** *mutters* I wanna push the button!

**Magneto:** No, because Austin Powers has "mojo."

**Remy:** Mojo? 

**Mystique:** Yes, mojo.  The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right stuff."

**Magneto:** It's what the French call a certain "I-don't-know-what."

**Todd:** If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's a baby or something?

**Magneto:** No, no, no.  That would make sense, and you know how I feel about that.  Plus, without him, the movie would end right here and now.

_Todd gives him a "Duh!" look.  Magneto stops and thinks it over for a second. _

**Magneto:** Hmm…tempting…

**Remy:** Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to pay the stock market?  We could literally make trillions.

_Magneto grins smugly to himself._

**Magneto:** Why make trillions when we could make…billions!

**Remy:** Uh—wha?

**Magneto:** Why think small, is all I'm saying.

**Todd:** A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.

**Magneto:** Less talk, you.  Unveil the time portal!

_A wall panel opens to reveal a wall of shimmering energy.  It looks just like something out of Stargate._

**Todd: **…was that there the whole time?

**Magneto:** Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal.  As you know, Austin Power was frozen in 1967.  Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen.  Security will be lax, and I'll strike when he is totally helpless.  First, I take Austin Powers' mojo…then, I begin my domination of the world!

**Todd:** Can I come?

**Magneto:** No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle.  Austin Powers is the snake to my mongoose…or the mongoose to my snake.  Either way it's bad.  I don't know animals.  But I do know this: this time, it's personal.  Frau, Number 2…I'll see you both in 1969!

_He starts to run towards the portal._

**Mystique:** Wait!  We haven't—

_He runs into the portal.  Literally._

**Mystique:** —turned it on yet.

**Magneto:** *holding his head* Well, thanks for the warning.  Come, Mini-Maggie!

**Pietro:** Hehehehehehehehehe!

_Throwing the chocolate over one shoulder, Pietro zips to Magneto's side.  The two of them jump into the portal, and there is a freeze-frame effect, and they fade away.  Very Star Trek-like.  _

_Can you see the lawsuits?  Huh?  CAN YOU?!_

_Magneto and Pietro emerge on the other side seconds later, into a new lair.  It is a large, hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces.  _

**Pietro:** I helped with the decorating!  *big, cheesy grin*

_Mystique and Remy stand, awaiting their arrival._

_As Magneto makes his way to the center of the room, a chairs start to rise from the floor.  Everyone takes a seat, but Magneto gets caught in the middle as chairs rise all around him.  He is visibly frightened…until…_

**Magneto:** Wait a second.  I control metal!

_With a wave of one hand, he sends the mo' fo's  across the room, then pulls new ones out of the floor.  He then sits down, smugly satisfied._

**Magneto:** Much better.  Mini-Maggie…I want you to meet Number Two.

**Remy:** Bonjour, _ami_.

_Pietro says nothing, just stares at Remy._

**Magneto:** Mini-Maggie?

_Pietro slowly walks (yes, walks) over to Remy, looking at him with wide-eyes.  Remy looks down at the slightly shorter boy.  Then, Pietro suddenly kicks him in the shin and runs back to his chair before Remy even grabs his leg._

**Remy:** *mutters obscenities in French* 

**Magneto:** Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning.  I have an operative inside the Ministry of Defense.  By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine!

_He gets up, walks over to a nearby window and looks out._

**Magneto:** *laughs manically*

_We cut to outside to see that the window is, in fact, the left eye of a Mt. Rushmore-like depiction of Magneto, carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island._

**Magneto:** [v/o] *laughs manically*

**Remy:** [v/o] *sarcastically* Oh, yeah…real inconspicuous.  They'd _never_ think of looking for us here….

*          *          *          *          *

R+R.  (If I get enough, I might be inspired to update a bit sooner *hint, hint*)  All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.


	3. Scene III

…what can I say?  I'm too lazy to do my _real_ work, so I thought I'd type up a new chapter.  It's not my fault!  This thing's just too much fun to write!  ^_^() Plus, I'm in such a good mood anyways after seeing _Justice League_'s "Hearts and Minds" yesterday (**big** HG/GL shipper here), I figured I'd share the joy!

Small note:  the script I managed to retrieve is slightly different from the final copy.  Even I noticed a number of changes in both dialogue and stage directions…but hopefully, they're not so significant as to take away from any of you loyal fans out there.  

~~~~~~~~~~  
REVIEWS!

_Daheim_

_^^ I loved it!  Even though I've seen the movies about 100 times each,_

**Todd:** Who hasn't?

_and knew basically what to expect, I still sniggered out loud drawing a curious glare from my sister sitting across the room.  I'm glad you worked Piotr in, if only for a brief part, he's gotta be my favorite character in Evo, and I hope you can give him a bit more screen time._

**Poitr:** *blushes* I am flattered you are fan.  

**Pyro:** Wait!  But if he gets more screen time, that'll take away from _me_!

**Lance:** Oh, get over yourself.  You're already the star!  Of _DragonBlond_'s second parody in a row, no less!

**Pyro:** *sniff* Don't hate me because I'm loved.

_Other than that, kudos, and a free Popsicle for your good work.  I look forward to future submissions!_

_todd fan_

_one eighth his INTELIGENCE?!_

**Pietro:** I resent that remark!

**Lance:** Don't you mean, "resemble"

**Pietro:** Yeah, I—HEY!

_LOL Oh man, that was too much for my poor brain this early in the morning.  I'll be laughing all day in work, ah well, they already know I'm crazy 0_o_

**Magneto:** After all, couldn't hurt to verify it.

_JCKIDSMART_

_PLEASE UPDATE!_

**All:** Ahhhh!

**Logan: **No so LOUD, damn you!  Some of us have enhanced hearing, you know…

__

_Rurouni Ryriel_

**Pyro:** Must be a _Kenshin_ fan.

_Oh, this is too frickin' awesome for words.  And I thought your last movie parody was silly, this is frickin' insane._

**Pietro:** Of course it is.  Look who's starring in it.

**Pyro:** *grins proudly*

_And now that I saw your second chapter, your choice of Toad as Seth Green was brilliant._

**Todd:** …I fail to see the brilliant-ness.

_Pietro makes a much better Mini-Maggie._

**Pietro:** Hehehehehehehehehehehehe!

_Oh that was priceless._

**Lance:** Cost of miniaturized bucket-helmet and cape?

**Todd:** Fifteen dollars.

**Lance:** Cost of excessive amounts of pixie sticks and chocolate.

**Todd:** Fifteen _hundred_ dollars.

**Lance:** Image of Pietro running around, calling himself "Mini-Maggie."

**Todd:** Priceless.

**Evan:** Some things, money can't buy…for everything else, there's fanfiction parodies.

_Can't wait to see who else you've brought into the twisted parody world.  I do however predict perhaps Boom-Boom taking over as the blonde shagwell?_

**All: ***ponder the thought*

**Lance:** …naw…

**Todd:** Too easy.

_Can't wait for more, please don't disappoint me.  Or, or, or…I'll sic X23 on you!_

_Pyromaniac1_

_…I don't remember this movie._

_It was the second one…so Austin goes back in the past and meets that girl, then goes back to the present and proceeds to angst about something for thirty minutes?_

_Wait…didn't that happen in the third one?_

_I'm confused._

**Pyro:** Lemme see if I can clear things up for you, luv.  The second one takes place mostly in the sixties.  There's not much angst; the angsty-ness was in the first movie, when he first realized how much his world had changed by the nineties while he stayed the same.  Well…you'll see for yourself as the fic progresses.

_Anyhoo…yeah.  Great chapter.  Mini-Maggie.  That's just plain cute!  I'm still trying to remember what happened in the second movie, so I don't really have any comments or stuff._

**ANNOUNCEMENT:  _Pietro as Mini-Maggie_ is officially copywrited by _me_.  Don't steal.  I bite. ^_~

*          *          *          *          *

_We see Pyro's frozen body in cryogenic storage…naked, except for his hands in a conveniently placed position.  Above it, there are two digital clocks.  One reads: "CURRENT DATE: May 25, 1969."  The other reads: "DATE FROZEN: November 11, 1967."_

_A few random, Scottish soldiers all for a line inside the cryogenic storage room…including a kilt-wearing Fred._

_Scott steps forward to address the group._

**Scott:** We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense.  The contents of this room are vital to the country.  Be on special alert.

**Fred:** *fake Scottish accent* Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee, naked, hairy popsicle, sir!

**Pyro:** *muffled protests at the "wee" comment*

**Scott:** Very good.  And…uh…try and lose some weight, for God's sake!

**Fred:** I'm not fat…I'm just big-boned, is all.

_They exchange salutes, and the Colonel exists.  Fred's smile suddenly turns to a glare._

**Fred:** I aughta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer, Mr. English Colonel Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing-Our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize-Our-Scottish-Independence!   AND A TIC-TAC WOULDN'T KILL YA, EITHER!

_Fred begins to play his bagpipes.  A white vapor comes out of them, filling the room.  The other soldiers collapse to the floor, unconscious._

_Drilling a tiny hole in the ice holding Pyro, he pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe-like device, with an LED graph on the side._

**Fred:** …this looks soooo wrong….

_He places it at Pyro's navel and begins to drain the MOJO._

_The scene switches to Pyro driving in modern traffic, drinking a Starbucks' coffee and listening to the in-dash CD player._

**Pyro:** *singing along* Burn, baby, burn!  Disco Inferno!  Burn, baby, burn!

_Suddenly, he droops.  The car starts to sputter.  The fuel gauge reads EMPTY._

**Pyro:** Gor blimey, I'm on empty!  That's funny…I just filled the Shaguar up this morning.

_He hits a button on the dashboard, activating the picture phone._

_Xavier—wearing a VERY fake, cheesy toupee—appears on the screen._

**Xavier:** Hello.  I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence.

**Pyro:** No shit, Sherlock.  Listen, the weirdest thing just happened.  I've run out of petrol.

**Xavier:** We'll send a man around immediately.  How was your honeymoon?

**Pyro:** Vanesa tried to kill me!  She was a Febot!

**Xavier:** Ah, yes.  Sadly, we knew all along.

**Pyro:** …and it didn't _occur_ to you to tell me?!

**Xavier:** Hindsight's always a gift.  Moving on, let's discuss your new case.

**Pyro:** New case?  Very shagadelic, Basil!

**Xavier:** You'll be doing a photo shoot.  We know that one of the models is an ex-KGB agent selling top-secret material to the highest bidder.

**Pyro:** That sounds easy enough.  You know what they say: all work and no shagging makes Austin a dull boy, man!

_Scene changes to inside a ski lodge.  Pyro sets up his photo equipment as we look around the room.  It is decorated in classic Hugh Heffner-style: bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring fire…etc._

_Pyro looks around._

**Pyro:** Tres chic, baby.

_Ray, the photo assistant, enters._

**Ray:** Austin, the models are ready.

**Pyro:** Ta, Reg.  Bless your polyester socks.  Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies.

**Ray:** …I don't know what they told you, but it isn't true!  I swear!

**Pyro:** Chill, man.  I, for one, enjoy making models!

_It's at that moment the models make their entrance.  Two of them, Jubilee and X23, are "real" supermodels…quickly followed by Tabby._

**Ray:** *drooling slightly* Huzzuh…

**Pyro: **Pull yourself together, mate.

_The girls all circle Pyro as if he were a celebrity._

**Girls:** It's him!  Oh, my God!  It's Austin Powers!

_Pyro shoots Ray a look that says 'still got it, baby.'_

**Pyro:** One at a time, girls.  One.  At.  A.  Time!

_Jubilee steps forward._

**Jubilee:** Hi, I'm Cindy.  I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

**Pyro:** Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure."  We just met, baby, yeah!

_Jubilee glares and slaps him across the face for the remark, storming off._

**Pyro:** Little firecracker, that one.

~*rimshot*~

**Pyro:** *looks around* Where'd that come from?

_X23 steps forward.  However, she seems a bit more out-of-place and unfamiliar with her surroundings._

**X23:** How do you do, Austin?  I'm Rebecca.  Your equipment is quite impressive.

**Pyro:** Thank you.  Your breasts are amazing.

**X23:** You do realize I could gut you like a fish in less than half a second?

**Pyro:** Yes, ma'am.

_Austin then comes upon the "unknown" Tabby.  She, quite obviously, stands out from the other two._

**Pyro:** And what's your name, baby?

**Tabby:** *thick, Russian accent* Ivana Humpalot.

**Pyro:** …come again?

**Tabby:** Ivana.  Ivana Humpalot.

**Pyro:** And I "vanna" toilet made of solid gold, but it's just not in the cards, now is it?

_Pyro looks over the three girls, trying to decide who is the spy._

**Pyro:** *in-thought* Now, which one is the Rusian spy?  Cindy Crawford…Rebecca Romajin…or Ivana Humpalot?  This is gonna be a toughie…

_He begins snapping pictures._

**Pyro:** All right, baby!  Love it!  Now, turn and pout for me!

_Jubilee and Tabby put on pouty faces.  X23 just kinda stands there, glaring._

**Pyro:** Smashing!

_Jubilee gets on all fours._

**Pyro:** Great, darling.  Give me some shoulder…yes, yes, yes—NO!  NO!

_We wee a full-frame cover of Vogue…including Jubilee with her head framed out._

_Pyro then focuses on X23…who continues to stand there, glaring.  Her arms are folded across her chest._

**Pyro:** Show me love.  Smashing!  You're an animal.  You're a tiger!  Be a tiger, baby!

**X23:** Don't encourage me.

**Pyro:** Er…okay…now be a lemur, baby!  You're a ring-tailed lemur.

_Her glare is now replaced with a look of confusion._

**X23:** A lemur?

**Pyro:** A small mammal native to the African savannah.  C'mon, baby, you know…like this!

_He tries to imitate a lemur._

**Pyro:** Okay, predator coming!  Now burrow…burrow!  You're a lemur!  It's all you've got.

_He pauses, realizing that she's looking at him like he's crazier than usual._

**Pyro:** I take it back.  Be a tiger again.  Smashing!

_We see a full-frame of X23 on the cover of National Geographic._

**Pyro:** And…done!  I'm spent!

_Pyro throws the camera to Ray, who catches it._

**Ray:** Hel-lo?  You forgot about Ivana.

**Pyro:** I didn't forget, baby.  Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private session.'

_Ray starts to protest violently, but X23 and Jubilee drag him out of the room, leaving Pyro and Tabby alone.  Pyro clasp twice, and the lights dim.  He claps again…and nothing happens.  Shrugging, he waves one hand and the fire goes up._

**Pyro:** I love my powers.

_"I'm Never Going to Fall in Love Again," by Burt Bacharach plays in the background._

**Tabby:** Are you cold, Mr. Powers?

**Pyro:** I once had a bad experience with frostbite.  Had to dip my tadger into a brandy snifter.

**Tabby:** That's…interesting…

_She pauses for a moment, thinking over what he just said, then shakes it off and moves over to a chessboard set up nearby._

**Tabby:** Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?

**Pyro:** I can guess.

**Tabby:** We play chess.

**Pyro:** …I guessed wrong.

**Tabby:** It takes a keen intelligence to play chess.  Of course, you know what they say about men with big brains, don't you?

**Pyro:** …they wear larger hats?

**Tabby:** No.  They make better lovers.

**Pyro:** Wrong again.

_Tabby starts playing with the chess pieces very seductively._

**Tabby:** I assume you know how to play.

_She teasingly runs the bishop across her lips._

**Pyro:** *stuttering slightly* Of course.  The…horsey…moves in an L-shape.

_He tries to regain himself and mimic her movements…accidentally choking on a chess piece.  After he coughs it out, he stands up._

**Pyro:** Let's stop playing games with each other…especially difficult ones.  My brain hurts enough already.  May I ask you a question, Miss Humpalot?

**Tabby:** Fire away.

~*rimshot*~

**Pyro:** *looks around* Where is that _coming_ from?

**Tabby:** You were saying?

_With a grin, he makes a running jump for the polar bear rug._

**Pyro:** Do I make you randy, baby?  Do I?

_Tabby joins him._

**Tabby: ** Yes!  I'll tell you anything you want to know…just make love to me!

**Pyro:** I love being the star.

_She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair._

**Tabby:** *gasps in delight* You are hairy, like animal!

**Pyro:** Grr, baby, Grr!

**Tabby:** Make love you me, monkey man!

**Pyro:** …okay.

_The scene briefly switches back to Freddie as he draws the last of the MOJO into the tube.  The LED meter goes from RED to GREEN, indicating FULL MOJO.  He holds it up, observing the purple liquid._

**Fred:** Looks kinda like grape juice to me.__

_We pan around the room with Pyro and Tabby, seeing all the stuffed and mounted wildlife.  It's almost as if they're watching.  Suddenly, the camera stops.  So does the music._

_The two of them are in-bed, though fully clothed, and Pyro has lipstick all over his face.  He sits up abruptly._

**Tabby:** What's the matter?!

_Somewhere, a tall flower wilts and bends over.  A soufflé falls.  A flag is lowered to half-mast.  A giant redwood falls in a forest.  A hot air balloon deflates and falls.  An actual scientific diagram of a penis in the refractory period is shown._

_Pyro directly faces the camera, a look of horror on his face._

**Pyro:** Crikey!  I've lost my mojo!

~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~

*          *          *          *          *

I hope you all don't mind the chapters are going to be kept pretty short. The movie itself is very choppy, moving rapidly from one scene to the next, so it's much easier to stick to 7 or 8 pages per upload.  

Besides…as you can tell, it makes for more frequent updates!

R+R.  All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the character's themselves.


	4. Scene IV

I PASSED MY ROAD TEST!  WOOTNESS!  ^_^ And with only two days until Halloween, that puts me in an extra good mood.  Know why?  'cause this year, I'm going as ROGUE…and I've got my costume all set!  I may even have pictures…if my dad remembers to give me the digital camera….

BTW—I wasn't kidding about the transcript I have being different from the original movie.  What puzzles me is that EVERY transcript I could find is exactly the same.  This chapter, in particular, should clue you in on just _how_ different. Oh, well; to be perfectly honest…parody-wise, I like this version better.  Very refreshing.  ^_~  

~~~~~~~~~~  
REVIEWS

_todd fan_

_X23: You do realize I could gut you like a fish in less than half a second?_

_Pyro: Yes, ma'am._

_*Rolls around in laughter*_

**Pyro:** Laugh all you want, mate…that chick's scary!

**X23:** I heard that.

**Pyro:** Eep!  *hides behind Evan*

_Oh man, first I read it before work and now I read it at 3:30 in the morning..oh boy, my poor brain._

_Bring on the fun spy kits!_****

**Magneto: ** …her poor brain?!

_Rurouni Tyriel_

_Frequent updates, hurrah!_

**All:** *dryly* Yay.

_Loved X23 and Jubes and the models ('cause X23 as an adult is muy caliente)_

**Jubilee:** *grins and hooks arms with X23* Hear that, girl?  Sounds like you got a fan club forming.

**X23:** *stares at her as if she's gone crazy* …what's a fan club?

_And now you've left me with no idea on who Shagwell could be._

**Lance:** You won't believe it when you see it.

**Ray: **Trust us.

_Now I have to wait for you next update, so update soon, damnit!_

**Pyro:** Soon enough for you, luv?

_Pyromaniac1___

_Bloody school computers.  I'm so confused with how to actually use the mouse._

_This movie came on last night.  I was…uh…listening to it, while I did a project…_

**Fred:** Translation—blowing off schoolwork to read fanfictions.

_…that was due a week ago.  _

**Fred:** Told ya.

_I have to spend time off the computer…_

_::Thinks::_

_Nah._

_Fred as FB?  Who woulda known?!  Poor guy,. You should have confused us all and used the smallest character on the show._

**Magneto:** Well, we tried to get Leech to do it…but something about his mother not wanting him exposed to all those curse words.  Parents.  Go figure.

**Amara:** Besides…if you ask us, the movie's already confusing enough as it is.

_Well, doesn't Austin angst for a bit after he finds out that what's-her-name and FB…uh…did…yeah.  I'll keep this review G rated._

**Fred:** *confused* Did what?

**Pietro:** Never you mind, Blob.  

**Pyro:** Actually…he does get a bit upset over it, but no time-consuming angsting.  Like I said before…that was the first movie.  And don't worry about review ratings—the fic's rated PG-13, so you don't hafta keep comments and stuff restricted to G.

_I'll end the review here.  Need to eat lunch and I think the bell rang._

_RahneMan_

_Heh!  Austin Powers is funny!  Any chance of Wanda having a part?_

**Pietro:** Well, considering the fact that EVERY character gets at least a cameo, and she's one of _DragonBlond_'s favorites…

**Todd:** Fifty-Fifty.

_*WANDA RULES WO!*_  
_Sorry, that was my muse, she has a mad crush on Wanda._  
_Muse blushes wildly_

**Todd:** …she?

**Lance:** Whatdoya know?  Looks like Todd's got some competition here….

_Daheim_

_More frequent updates? ^^ Alrighty!  That's what I like to hear!  I'm worried about who's gonna play Frau, though I do have a suspicion._

**Pietro:** Wow…I don't suppose she noticed the fact that Mystique was already casted as of last chapter.

_Can't really picture a good match for Mags.  X-23 on the cover of National Geographic was a great idea, and I love the thought of Xavier with a cheesy toupee._

**X23:** What is this "National Geographic"?

**Xavier:** *fiddling with toupee* Well, I'm glad you're amused…'cause this thing itches like crazy!

**Lance:** You know, it's not like she actually comes up with this stuff on her own…most of it's from the original.  Of course, the toupee had to be added…for obvious reasons.

_Perhaps the blonde one from the Diet Pepsi commercial?  ^_^ Now stop reading this review and go write more!!  Go!! I can't wait for you to update._

**Magneto:** Kids today have no patience.

_Nymbis_

_Ahahahahhahahaahahah and also ha_

_this is a great story, but you've got to have rogue in there somewhere u just got 2!_

**Pyro:** Everybody gets some role…don't worry.  She'll show up sooner or later.

_!nym!_

  
*          *          *          *          *

_An ambulance races through the streets, siren blaring._

_Inside the Ministry of Defense, Xavier rushes…er…wheels through, pushing past a number of nameless technicians and workers._

**Xavier:** Where is he?  In here?

_He enters a room looking faintly like a cross between a hospital room and a laboratory.  Pyro lies in bed, hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment._

**Xavier:** Austin, I came as soon as I heard.

**Pyro:** Boy, bad news sure does travel fast.  There must be some kind of mistake, Basil.  Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know it.  It wouldn't be the first time….

_Pyro holds his neck very stiffly._

**Xavier:** What's wrong with your neck, Austin?

**Pyro:** I took a Viagra, and it got caught in my throat.  I've had a stiff neck for hours.  Basil, is it true?  Have I lost my mojo.

**Xavier:** We're going to run a few tests, Austin.  Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to the bottom of this.

_At this, Pyro glances down and crosses his legs._

_Before long, Pyro is being loaded into an MRI machine labeled: "THE MOJONATOR 9000."  The meter reads 'very low._

_Technicians in white suits and masks—okay, we're not fooling anybody; they're the "doctors" from Wanda's asylum back in "The Hex Factor"—transform the room into a sort of love lair.  A pair of latex-gloved hands puts on a Burt Bacharach record on a turntable.  Examination lights are replaced with lava lamps, and a tray is brought in with videotape marked "Swedish Education Film."_

_With the transformation complete, Pyro lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY magazine.  Danielle (Moonstar) enters, wearing a very pretty, tight Candy Stripe nurse outfit._

**Danielle:** Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the test.

_Pyro pays very little attention to her._

**Pyro:** All right, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis.

**Danielle:** *eyes narrow slightly* I do not like being ignored.  Just wait until you fall asleep….

**Pyro:** *still ignoring her* Uh-huh.  Sure, luv.  Whatever you say.

_An alarm goes off.  Bright lights come on.  Xavier wheels himself into the room._

**Pyro:** What's going on?

**Xavier:** All right, everyone, we're done.

**Pyro:** But the test hasn't even started!

_Xavier motions to a still-glaring Moonstar…who has since taken on a faint glow to her._

**Xavier:** Agent Haggerty WAS the test, Austin.  Now only were you actually reading an article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge bath didn't so much as turn your head.

**Pyro:** …no, it's not true!  I…I _was_ looking at the porno!  I swear!  I just…er…

**Xavier:** Nice try.  I'm sorry, Austin.  I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo.

_He shows Pyro the MOJOMETER, which reads "empty."_

**Pyro:** *dramatically* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  But…I'm useless without my mojo!  Maybe I should just hang up my jock strap and retire.

**Xavier:** I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin.  You see, Dr. Evil has returned.

**Pyro:** …again?

**Xavier:** Yes, again.

_Xavier and Pyro ride on the back of a golf cart through one of the largest rooms you've ever seen in your life._

**Pyro:** *grinning* Wheee!

**Xavier:** Pay attention!  We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine.

_Xavier shows Pyro altered photos of Magneto, posing with famous villains such as Sadaam, Nixon, and Donald Trump._

**Xavier:** Aside from these, he's also suddenly listed as the top stockholder for Microsoft.  That means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each decade's most despised villains.

_Pyro tries to read them…but suddenly takes a look of confusion as he holds up one particular picture._

**Pyro:** …a Cubs fan?

**Xavier:** Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969.  Luckily, we also have a time travel device.  After years of research, we've developed a machine that will transport you back to the Sixties.

**Pyro:** Convenient.

_A bright overhead light spotlights on a brand new Volkswagen Beetle convertible, painted in psychedelic colors._

**Pyro:** But, Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle?

**Xavier:** That's what they want you to think.

**Pyro:** So, Basil…if I traveled back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look at my frozen self…but if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixt—

_He goes cross-eyed in confusion._

**Pyro:** —oh, no I've gone cross-eyed.

**Xavier:** I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.

_Xavier winks at the camera._

**Voice in Background:** *cough*plothole*cough*

_Pyro hops in the car and turns it on._

**Pyro:** This is smashing, Basil!  I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr. Evil, and be back in time for tea!

**Xavier:** Good luck, Austin.

**Pyro:** Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil.

_With a bout of laughter, he steps on the gas…and the car lurches into reverse, smashing some equipment._

**Pyro:** Now who put the reverse button where drive is supposed to be?  Oh, well… *changes gears* Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah!

_The car takes off, heading for the wall.  Then, it disappears, leaving flaming treat marks._

_On the London streets in 1969, the Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere, screeching to a halt._

_Mesmero watches the whole thing as he smokes a hukka.  Pausing to blink, he takes the hukka out of his mouth, stares at it, and throws it to the ground._

**Mesmero:** I think I've reached my limit…

_Pyro jumps out of the car._

**Pyro:** *grins* I feel better already, man!

_As a crowd starts to gather around his car, Pyro enters a nearby park in high spirits._

_The camera pulls back just enough to see that he is being watched though binoculars by Jean Luc LeBeau.  Then it pulls back further, to see a MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching the both of them.  From this distance, we can't tell who she is just yet._

_I know you probably already know.  Shut up and don't ruin the surprise!_

_A nearby sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE".  Hippies, Mods, and other stereotypical sixties people dance to the music of a psychedelic band, named "MING TEA."_

**Pyro:** Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig!

_He gets into the dancing, very quickly becoming the center of attention.  Paul, the lead singer of the band, invites him onstage and hands him the microphone just as the band starts a new song: "Sexual Revolutions."_

**Paul: **Nice to see 'em making light of the innuendos, huh?

_Grinning like a madman, Pyro begins to sing._

**Pyro:** *singing* There's a sexual revolution;  
                        You can feel it in the air.  
                        People shagging just like weasels  
                        And they just don't seem to care.

_Sighs of female audience members are heard as one of them murmurs, "how romantic!"_

                        Hey, watch out, squares…  
                        You make us bored!  
                        The penis is mightier  
                        Than the sword.

_He does various "groovy" dance moves, including The Rock 'em Sock 'em Robot and The Heavyweight._

                        There's a sexual revolution  
                        And you ain't seen nothing yet  
                        People shagging in the clubs  
                        And inside a jumbo jet

_The camera switches to a kaleidoscope-view, where we see about forty different Pyros._

                        Hey, square world  
                        The end is nigh  
                        When we say "hump"  
                        You say "how high."

_Three "groovy chicks"—namely, the trio of Jubilee, X23, and Tabby—suddenly have tambourines for the big finale.  Jean Luc and the still-nameless woman are both in the audience with their eyes on Pyro.  All we see of this woman are shots of her boots, clothes, and a female symbol medallion._

                        So, go make love  
                        Or masturbate  
                        Sexual Freedom  
                        Will never be  
                        Out of daaaaaaaaate!

_As he continues to hold out the impossibly long note, the audience starts chanting, louder and louder:_

**Everyone:** Free Love!  Free Love!  FREE LOVE!  IT'S THE SIXTIES!

As the song ends, we are pulled in close to a glorious view of Pyro's ass…which is actually the Mysterious Woman's line of vision.  She smiles behind the binoculars and blonde locks that hide her face.

*          *          *          *          *

Next time…we find out who our Miss Shagwell is.  Any guesses?

R+R.  All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the character's themselves.


	5. Scene V

Sooo…wanna know what _I_ did for Halloween?  A group of friends and I went trick-or-treating around a few streets.  And when that got bored…we started going door-to-door, singing Christmas carols.  Just for kicks.  Got quite a few *interesting* reactions, too—on camera, no less.  ^_^ Further proof that we are all certifiably insane.

Oh, yeah.  I also dressed up as _X-men: Evolution_'s Rogue.  Check it out: the link is in my profile. 

~~~~~~~~~~  
REVIEWS

_todd fan_

_Congrats on passing your road test *hands a cookie over*_

Thanks!  ^_^

**All:** *put on crash helmets*

*dryly* Very funny…

_Another much loved chapter, GO 60'S!_

_Rurouni Tyriel_

_Guesses, guesses… oh so many possibilities.  Let's see, it's a blonde, but you could've dyed one of the chatacters…hm… *exercises the mental power of all four of his brains…*_

**Todd:** …four _brains_?

**Lance:** I think he meant brain cells.

_I got nothing.  But I liked the Mojonator 90 test and Danielle have a part, however brief._****

**Pyro:** *cowers from a glaring Danielle* Why is it they all want to kill ME?!

_Can't wait for more._

_On an unrelated note, I am not just any fan of X23.  I would sell my soul for one week alone with her on a desert island… and some coconut oil. _^_^

**Boys:** *start drooling at the thought* 

**X23:** *glares at then oddly* I fail to see the connection between a desert and coconut oil.  Coconuts grow on trees, and deserts to not have trees.  The male species is a very strange group.

**Jubilee:** Welcome to the real world, hun.

_ASGT_

_Belladonna?  Is Belladonna Felicity Shagwell?_

**Tabby:** *makes buzzing sound*

**Lance:** Sorry, that is incorrect.  Thanks for playing.

**Remy:** Not a bad guess, though…

_Good story.  Died laughing at the Rebecca line in the last chapter.  Rebecca Romanji…Stamos!  Is Mystique! ((Or am I just confused?))_

**Magneto:** Probably both.

**Mystique:** *fumes* She looked _nothing_ like me!  How dare you make that comparison!!!  

**Logan:** *watches movie clip* Well…you have to admit…there is _some_ likeness….

_RahneMan_

_Rahney the Muse-*BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!!  I'm famous! HA! BRING ON WANDA! WOO!*_

**All:** *back away veeeery slowly*

_Dances round a campfire with Lance tied on a spit_

**Lance:** *suddenly tied on a spit* HEY!  LET ME DOWN!

_Lance- Can I come down now?_

_*No!  I Must sacrifice you to the Goddess that is Wanda!  BWAHAHAHAHA!*_

**All:** *sweatdrop*

**Lance:** *muttering curses under his breath*

_Me- Uh, Rahney why are you roasting Lance Alvers over a campfire._

**Pietro:** Alex Tebeck You have to phrase it in the form of a question…and that means question _marks_, dumbass.

**Magneto:** PIETRO!  No insulting the reviewers!

**Pietro:** Yes, father.

_*I'm sacrificing to the Great Goddess Wanda*_

_Oh okay.  Uh.. can I join in?_

_*Sure, knock yourself out*_

_Both of us dance around the campfire chanting_  
_*WANDA!  WANDA!  WANDA!*_

**Evan:** Like muse, like Author…

**Pietro:** Hey, if you guys like her so much, I can find the number of THE asylum she was staying at for eight years.

**Lance:** For the last time…LET ME DOWN!

_Pyromaniac1_

_I made the last review G rated cause some scary guy was at the computer next to me and he kept starting at my computer's screen.  I was going to start talking about him in the review, but he was bigger than me and had already poured water down my back when I was a wee little freshman._

**Pyro:** Man, I hate those type of people.

**X23:** If I were her, I'd just shoot him.

_Stupid person. ::Shoots him::_

**All:** …*stare at X23*

_Interesting song.  Actually seems like something Johnny would sing._

**Pyro:** I dunno…you should hear the stuff Gambit sings in the shower.  You can hear him from everywhere in the base.

**Remy:** 0.o

_Blonde girl?  Um…yeah.  I know who it is.  *Nods*_

_I lied.  I don't know who it is._

**Pyro:** That's okay.  We don't either.  SHE never tells us anything.

_Can't think of any more comments…You're an updating machine!  I feel bad for not updating anything for awhile…maybe that's a good thing?_

**Fred:** *snorts* Updating machine?  Then how come it's been months since we've seen a Primary Colors chapter?!

SHH! No need to bring that up…I TOLD you guys that my laptop's been holding it hostage!

**Brotherhood:** Suuuure it has…

_Android-21_

_For Miss Shagwell I'm thinking Emma Frost…only blonde I can think of besides Tabitha._

**Ray:** Again, another good guess…

**Pietro:** But no.

Wow…my reviews section is almost getting as long as the fic itself ^_^()

*          *          *          *          *

_Pyro walks down the street, looking at his new BEATLES album.  No, I don't care what anyone else says.  The Beatles kick ass even now, and that's all there is to it._

_Sitting in a parked Citroen, watching him carefully is Jean Luc.  He nods to Jamie, a shoeshine, on the street._

_Jamie nods to Colossus—wearing a business suit—in a Homburg._

_Colossus nods to Bobby, a…well…bobby._

**Bobby:** *dryly* Nice pun.

**Todd:** *off-screen* Now you know how _I_ feel!

_Bobby nods to Dorothy (the secretary), who is wheeling a baby carriage._

_Dorothy nods to ex-Principal Kelley…who is now a mime._

**Kelley:** *makes all sorts of obscene gestures at _DragonBlond_ for the crappy part*

_Kelley nods to Irene, a blind beggar with a tin cup._

_Irene nods to Lance, a carpenter on the roof._

_Lance flashes a light to Forge, an Indian Chief._

_Forge gives a smoke signal to Sam, a Beefeater Guard._

**Sam:** …what's a Beefeater Guard?

*shrugs* I'm just reading off the script.

_Sam salutes with his pike to Belladonna, a sexy ticket collector on a double-decker bus._

_Belladonna signals to Henri (you know…Remy's brother), a taxi driver._

_Henri nods back to Jean Luc as he drives by.  Jean Luc gets the signal, and starts the car…signaling that the whole "signaling" sequences was a big waste of time and page space._

_Pyro is walking along.  Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him.  He dives out of the way and immediately takes off running.  Seconds later, he rounds a corner and pretends to be a couple making out against the wall by hugging himself._

_Jean Luc sees him and slams on the brakes.  He raises his gun.  Pyro turns around…_

**Pyro:** Bugger.

_…and hears a loud honk._

_It's his Beetle convertible.  The mysterious woman steps out, and we finally see her face.  It's none other than…_

**Pyro:** …Wanda?!

Heh.  Who saw that one coming?  Come on, be honest.

_Sure enough, it's none other than Wanda, wearing a tight racing suit…unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion and a bit of cleavage.  She's also wearing a blonde wig._

**Wanda:** *look up* May I point out that the Felicity in this version was NOT a blonde?

You can try, but I won't listen.  I like the blonde Felicity better.

**Wanda:** I hate you.

_She looks to Pyro as her THEME SONG plays in the background._

**Wanda:** Care for a ride?

**Pyro:** *still in shock*

_A random person pokes him with a stick.  After a few seconds, he blinks and rejoins reality, wiping away the slight drool at the corner of his mouth._

**Pyro:** Er…yeah….  That's my Beetle, baby.

**Wanda:** It was your Beetle.  Get in.

_Pyro dives in the car just as Jean Luc gets over HIS shock and fires.  The car speeds off._

_Wanda drives it expertly for someone without a driver's license.  Then again, Tabby probably doesn't have one either, so why argue logic?_

**Wanda:** Austin Powers, I presume?

**Pyro:** Powers by name, Powers by reputation.

**Wanda:** Felicity Shagwell, CIA.  Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation.

_She glances at him seductively._

**Pyro:** *to camera* Oh, hell, yeah…

_As the Beetle zips along, Jean Luc appears behind it and fires._  _Wanda turns around to look._

**Wanda:** Grab the wheel, would you?

_Pyro does so as she pulls a gun.  Wanda turns and fires out the window.  Jean Luc's tire blows out.  The car skids towards a cliff, but he jumps out just before it goes over._

_The car bounces three times before exploding._

**Jean Luc:** *winces* There goes my insurance rates…

_Suddenly, the branch he is holding onto with one hand snaps.  He falls._

**Jean Luc:** Ahhhhhhhhhh!

_Wanda and Pyro watch him fall._

**Wanda:** Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match.

**Pyro:** Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again.

**Wanda:** I was talking about me.

_She smiles, turns, and walks away._

_We see a very dark room, with only a single spotlight providing illumination.  Suddenly, Pyro and Wanda rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight._

**Pyro:** Welcome to my shag pad, baby.

_Light floods the "pad," revealing hanging basket chairs, hi-fi, and Warhol silk screens of Pyro._

_Pyro blows Dust off a table._

**Pyro:** Care for something to drink?

_He presses a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar._

**Pyro:** Or, perhaps, something to read?

_He walks seductively over to a wall and hits another button.  It revolves to reveal a bookcase._

**Wanda:** Okay, now you're just showing off.

**Pyro:** Yes, ma'am!  How about a hot cup of coffee?

**Wanda:** Yes, I rather fancy a grind.

**Pyro:** …kinky.

_He hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup._

_"Girl from Impenema" by JOBIM starts to play._

**Pyro:** Would you like a…massage?  A sensual massage?

**Wanda:** Why not?  My back's been killing me from wearing this stupid suit.

**Pyro:** Trust me…it was well worth it.

_He winks, and Wanda blushes slightly…for real._

_Yet another button is pressed, and this time a series of actions take place:  the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed…red gels slide into place over the laps…a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel…and an end table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils._

_Wanda goes and lies on her stomach on the bed.  Pyro takes some of the oils and begins to gently massage her._

**Pyro:** How does that feel, baby?

**Wanda:** Mmm…lower.

**Pyro:** *lowers his voice* How does that feel, baby?

_She rolls his eyes, but laughs along with him anyway._

**Wanda:** Wait.  Something's itching me.

_Wanda gets up very slowly, and unties the strap of her evening dress in a seductive manner, leaving her back entirely bare._

**Wanda:** That's better.

**Pyro:** *eyes wide* Crikey!!!

_He gulps nervously and accidentally spurts WAY too much oil out of the bottle.  The way it shoots out gives a visual of…something else.  Something I can't say if I want to keep this PG-13._

_Pyro clears is throat a couple times, then continues to rub Wanda's back as she stretches out on the bed._

_When he' sure she can't hear him, he looks downard._

**Pyro:** *whispering* Hello, anyone home?  C'mon lads, do it for England.

_Nothing._

**Wanda:** Did you say something?

**Pyro:** Um…no.

_Wanda sits up, stretching very sexily._

**Wanda:** Oh, that was so relaxing.  You're pretty good with your hands.

**Pyro:** Thanks.  Er…would you like to see my etchings?

**Wanda:** *sexy* I think I'm ready for bed.

_She moves closer to him, but slides all the way over to the other side of the bed._

**Pyro:** Okay, I'll get you some PJs.

**Wanda:** I don't wear Pajamas.

_Pyro closes his eyes._

**Pyro:** Don't think about it…don't think about it…don't—ah, hell.

_She moves over to him again, but he continues to avoid her._

**Pyro:** I suppose you'll want to clean your teeth, then?

_He holds up a toothpaste and toothbrush.  Wanda finally grabs him and pins him to the bed._

**Wanda:** No, I want to have sex with you, Austin!

**Pyro:** …really?

**Wanda:** No, but that's what it says in the script.

**Pyro:** Hello Vicar!

**Wanda:** I've studied everything about you—your methods, your accomplishments, your preferences…

**Pyro:** My psychiatric records?

**Wanda:** *quickly* Oh, who pays attention to those things, anyway?  Point is, you're the reason I became a spy.  Now, I've waited two years to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time.

**Pyro:** …damn this script…

_He gently pushes her off him and sits up._

**Pyro:** Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess…I guess I've changed.  Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I was talking about in the first place, but—where was I?

**Wanda:** I think you were about to brush me off.

**Pyro:** Oh, yeah.  Felicity, I can't shag you.  I've lost my mojo.

_Wanda looks honestly disappointed…but tried to hide it by looking obviously disappointed.  Make sense to you?  Yeah, me neither._

**Wanda:** Oh…

**Pyro:** I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back—like one of those time-traveling detail that nobody understands or cares much to explain—but it hasn't.

_Wanda smiles gently at him._

**Wanda:** Austin, don't worry.  I know just the man to help you.  He's my guru.  Ringo recommended him, and he's the best.

**Pyro:** …don't you mean psychiatrist?

**Wanda:** *quickly* No.

**Pyro:** Works for me.  I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby.

**Wanda:** *smirks* Which one?

**Pyro:** …I'm gonna like this partnership….

*          *          *          *          *

Another chapter done.  ^_^ And now that we have our leading lady in the picture, it's time for double the insanity (pun intended)!  Not to mention, plenty of Wanda/St. John action to come.  Stay tuned….

R+R.  All question, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.


	6. Scene VI

So basically, I was bored and had a little bit of free time on my hands, so I figured I'd get the next installment out.  That, and I'm trying to avoid finish these stupid applications (They don't even have to be in until December, and my mom's driving me CRAZY!)

*giggles* Besides…this is a _really_ fun chapter!

~~~~~~~~~~  
REVIEWS

__

_SSJ Tokya_

_Lol…continue!  I love the whole Wanda/St. John pairing.  ^^_

**Pyro:** Yeah, she's pretty hooked on it, too…ain't that right, Wanda-luv?

**Wanda:** Personally, I don't see it….  This is boring.  Wanna go wreak havoc on the normal people?

**Pyro:** You're on!

_todd fan_

_WW, well THIS fic just got that little bit more…surreal, but hey, we LIKE surreal, yes, yes we do *nods*_

**Lance:** I dunno…two psychos together.  Sounds pretty realistic to me.

_Pyromaniac1_

_Yes…you're right, Fred.  It has been a long time sense a Primary Colors chapter.  Too long.  *glares at DragonBlond*_

**Bobby:** *snickers* Someone's in trouble…

**Jubilee:** And for once, it's not you.

You want a new P.C. chapter?!  Tell that to my dad…I've been yelling at him to fix my laptop for MONTHS now.

_M. Sexy, sexy Wanda.  I can't picture her with a blond wig.  Wonder what she would look like…_

**Poitr:** *holds up drawing* Like this, perhaps?

**Brotherhood:** O.O

**Ray/Bobby/Todd/Pyro:** *drooling slightly*

**Wanda:** *too busy causing massive destruction to notice*

_…Johnny boy's very lucky._

_RahneMan_

**Lance:** Ahhh!  *hides behind Pietro*

_Caption—A.L.L. HQ 6.30 pm…_

_Rahney the muse is sitting at a desk with a plaque on it.  The plaque reads: Rahney The Muse, Anti Lance League Vice-President._

_She picks up a framed photo of Wanda and strokes it._

_*Sigh!  Why him, Wanda, WHY?!?*_

**Pyro:** *pops back up* Because I'm magically delicious?

_She takes something out from a drawer.  It's a voodoo doll made to look like Pyro.  She also takes out a pin and starts jabbing the voodoo doll with it._

**Pyro:** That'll never wo—OW! *rubs butt* 

**Lance:** *peeks out from behind Pietro* Better you than me, fire boy.

_Me—Uh Rahney, who are you jabbing a voodoo doll in the shape of Pyro with a large pin?_

_*Why do you think?*_

**Pyro:** 'cause she a PSYCHO, that's why!

_Oh!  Cuz she was cast as Felicity and was getting comfy with Pyro._

_*Uh huh sniff_

**Pietro:** *whispers to Lance* I wonder if we should break the news to them that Sis is straight.

**Lance:** Be my guest…I'M not gonna tell her!

_Rurouni Tyriel_

_No I meant four brains.  Each more useless than the last._

**Evan:** Well, that's still four more than _some_ of us have.

**Pietro:** Don't be so hard on yourself, Daniels…I'm sure you have at LEAST half of one.

_Anyway, review…I love your story, and I can't wait for more to come.  Its taken a totally different path than the movie, but that makes it so much more lovable._

**Magneto:** Yeah, we still can't figure out where the heck THIS script came from.

**Xavier:** Or why it's the only one circling the Internet.

**Mystique:** But it's better than waiting for her to type up the entire script herself while watching the video.  

_And of course, Pyro and Wanda are so cute together._

**Todd:** *sulks quietly*

**Pietro:** We're thinking of getting them matching straight jackets for the wedding.

_(evil conspiracy:_

**Pyro/Wanda:** The best kind!

_*slips Mastermind fifty bucks*  There's more in it for ya if you can make X23 fall in love with me…)_

**Mastermind:** *pockets the fifty* I'll take the money…but not a chance in HELL am I going into that girl's mind; it's scarier than Wanda's!

**X23:** …he's got a point.

**Wanda:** What's that about my mind?

**Magneto:** *quickly* Nothing!

*          *          *          *          *

_Scene opens to Pyro's plane in flight._

_Pyro and Wanda drive against an obviously-fake rear screen projection of India._

_The two of them enter an Ashram—it looks like a mosque, with incense burning, tapestries decorating the walls, and the MORLOCKS off to one side, acting like disciples.  Sitar music plays from somewhere in the background._

**Wanda:** There she is.  That's my guru.

_We see Agatha, dressed like an Indian priestess.  She appears to be in heavy meditation._

**Pyro:** *blink* …why am I not surprised?

**Wanda:** Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers.

_Pyro extends a hand._

**Pyro:** How are you, baby?

**Agatha:** *eyes still closed* My charkas are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise.

**Pyro:** Good on ya.  …I don't know what that means, but it sounds fab!

**Wanda:** Guru, we need some advice…

**Agatha:** Hold your horses, and any other beasts of burden.  I must lead my disciples in meditation, and then I will help you.

**Pyro:** Okey-doke.

_He and Wanda go sit on a brightly colored beanbag chair that wasn't there a second ago, as Agatha walks to the front of the room.  The Morlocks sink to their knees._

**Morlocks:** Ahhhhh!

**Agatha:** My name is the Guru Pitka.  I am the spiritual teacher and I have combined many disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and equipoise that I learned from _my_ guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of syphilis—

_She suddenly pauses, as if in thought, then shakes her head._

**Agatha:** Naw…couldn't be.  *clears throat* He would say to me: "Sparky, love is all, life is breath."

**Morlocks:** Ahhhhh!

**Agatha:** Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky.

**Callisto:** Not really…

_Torpid shakes her head._

**Agatha:** INSOLENCE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, NOT SHUT UP AND LISTEN!  As I was saying…when we were young, we used to play a game called "Stinkmop."  We would urinate into a bucket, tip a mop into it, and play tag.  I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise old man said to me, 'oh, lighten up, Sparky,' and I don't know, the name kind of stuck.

**Caliban:** That doessss not make sssssenssssse….

**Agatha:** Quiet snake boy…back to worshiping my every word!

**Morlocks:** Ahhhhhhh!

**Agatha:** Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist'…and that will not help us attain potentiality.  

_Torpid looks like she's about to cry, and buries her tiny little head in Callisto's stomach._

**Agatha:** Now, what is potentiality?  It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to achieve for ourselves.  People often say to me that they feel "nowhere," and I am going to change that to "Now here."

_She pulls a sign out of nowhere with "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!" scribbled out in her handwriting._

**Morlocks:** Ahhhhh!

**Agatha:** And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume," you make an "ass" our of "u" and "me."

_She now holds up a sign, also scribbled in her handwriting, which now reads "ASSUME = ASS + U + ME."_

**Morlocks:** Ahhhhh!

**Callisto:** …didn't _DragonBlond_ get that from her English teacher last year?

**Agatha:** Quiet, hussy!

**Callisto:** …hussy?

**Agatha:** The being, or that which we call 'ourselves,' is not the tinker.  It is not the tots.  It is the Gap between the tinker and the tots!  We are not our mind, we are not our body…we are the Gap!

_She holds up another card that says, "NOT TINKER, NOT TOTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar GAP font._

**Morlocks:** *singing* Fall into the GAP!

**Agatha:** Now you're just being a bunch of smart-asses.  The heart of the matter is that you _are_ the heart of the matter.  There is no "I" in "team."  Bear before liquor, never sicker.  Don't take a wooden nickel.  If your pipe is short and your pump is weak…

**Pyro:** Then you're screwed?

**Agatha:** No, just the opposite actually…

~*rimshot*~

**Pyro:** *looks around frantically* Not again!

**Agatha:** And finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego.  Leggo my ego!  Now let us end with the mantre: Om Ay Vant Yu Hu…Om Ay Vant Yu Hu…Om Ay Vant Yu Hu…

**Morlocks:** *chanting* Om Ay Vant Yu Hu…Om Ay Vant Yu Hu…Om Ay Vant Yu Hu…

_Agatha takes a swing of YooHoo._

**Agatha:** *casually* Go with God…and pay at the door, please.

_The Morlocks all file out of the room, still chanting.  As Agatha continues to chug her YooHoo, Pyro and Wanda approach._

**Agatha:** How can I help you?

_Pyro obviously looks very uncomfortable with having to discuss this with a woman._

**Pyro:** Um…remember the pipe analogy?  Well, you weren't far off there….

**Agatha:** What do you mean?

**Pyro:** You know—my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy.

**Agatha:** I'm not understanding.

**Pyro:** I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy-Daddy dance.

**Agatha:** …still not clear.

**Pyro:** My flag's at half-mast, and no one will salute it.

**Agatha:** Sorry?

**Pyro:** My willie don't work.

**Agatha:** Why are you beating around the bush?

**Pyro:** That's my problem.

**Agatha:** Ohhh, I get it.

*beat*

**Agatha:** Wait a minute.  I lost it.

**Wanda:** He's impotent!

**Pyro:** Well, you could've put it nicer than that.

**Wanda:** Sorry, luv.

**Pyro:** Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six.

**Agatha:** Uh…huh.  Oh, yea, I see.

**Pyro:** You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?

**Agatha:** Not a word.

_Pyro sighs._

**Pyro:** Guru, I've lost my mojo

**Agatha:** Oh, mojo!  Why didn't you say so in the first place.  Kids today…I was a youth once, you know.  I understand all about the frustrations of—

**Wanda:** *cuts her off* If you don't mind, we need your help, not your life story.

**Agatha:** …you've lost your mojo because your charkas are misaligned.  You have lost love.  Happy now?

**Pyro:** Lost love?  Oh, you mean Vanessa?

**Wanda:** Who's Vanessa?

**Pyro:** An evil fembot minion of Dr. Evil.  Tried to kill me on our honeymoon…but I couldn't have loved her.

**Wanda:** …_honeymoon?!_

**Agatha:** Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy.  You will only get your mojo back when you surround yourself with love.

**Pyro:** …oh!  I get what you're saying now!  *to Wanda* She's talking about free love, baby!  Tune in, turn on, and drop out!

**Wanda:** *sighs* Men…

_Agatha whacks him on the back of the head._

**Agatha:** I'm talking about TRUE love, you imbecile. 

**Pyro:** TRUE love?  Now where am I gonna find THAT

_He ponders for a moment, putting on hand to his chin._

**Wanda:** *clears her throat loudly*

**Pyro:** …need a cough drop, luv?

_Wanda fumes silently._

**Agatha:** You must stay and study until you are worthy.

**Pyro:** No way, man.  The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a swinging shindig.  Yeah, baby, yeah!

*          *          *          *          *

Let the insanity commence!  Next chapter, we head back to Dr. Evil (Magneto)'s evil lair, to see what he does with the stolen Mojo…and finally, a few scenes that actually look FAMILIAR!  *gasp*

R+R.  All question, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.


	7. Scene VII

Ugh.  This week has been _crazy_!  Between the quarter ending on Friday for grades…Leader of the Pack rehearsals at least three nights a week…not to mention college applications (those should be done by Monday, at the latest), it's no wonder it took me this long to update!

Well, like I said, here's the next installment…featuring some scenes that actually look familiar!  Not word-for-word, mind you…but at least faintly similar to what happened on the screen.

**_Primary Colors_ update:  Well…it looks like my laptop has finally won the war.  *sigh*  What does that mean?  It means I have to type the whole damn thing all over again…all 12+ pages!  I think I'm gonna cry….

~~~~~~~~~~  
REVIEWS

(wow…I can't believe how many reviews I've gotten since I uploaded chapter 6!  I can't even retype 'em out anymore, or the REVIEWS section would be longer than the actual fic! ^_^')

todd fan

**Pyro:** I'M NOT IMPOTENT!  I'M FULLY FUNCTIONAL, THANK-YOU-VERY-MUCH! *fumes*

**Lance:** …did _not_ need to hear that.  

The Son of Logan and Ororo

**Todd:** They have a son?

**Magneto:** I highly doubt that's going to happen, because it would mean _DragonBlond_'d actually have to do Goldmember.

**Evan:** Why would Auntie O be…oh, wait.  Never mind.  I get it.

Daheim

**Lance:** Don't feel bad.  I know a few people who don't even have ADD, and stuff _still_ goes right over their heads.

**Wanda:** You mean three-fifths the Brotherhood?

**Lance:** Well, I wasn't going to mention any names…

ASGT and Kat Maximoff

**Magneto:** Ack!  Don't tell me I have _another_ one!

**Xavier:** Which asylum did you stick her in, Magnus?

**Magneto:** You know…you're not really in any position to be giving me parenting advice, Charles.

**Remy:** Watching the movie won't help, _mes amis_…believe me.

Pyromanaic1

**Wanda:** Don't get too excited.  They're very brief scenes.

**Pyro:** *reads the part about him being secretly sane* I've never been so insulted in all my life!  Humph!

**Mystique:** It is a completely different movie…but the excuse she's giving us is that it's a first-version draft.  Not surprising, considering some of the stuff in here would probably push an _R_ rating, let along _PG-13_.

**Forge:** Trust me, the laptop is dead and buried.  Even _I_ couldn't fix it.

The Resident Psychopath

**Lance:** Y'know…Wanda and Pyro might be giving you a run for your title pretty soon.

SSJ Tokya

**Agatha:** Many people are humbled by my superior knowledge.  It is the way of life.

**Morlocks:** Ahhhhhhhh!

**Agatha:** I told you to stop doing that already!

Rurouni Tyriel

**Evan:** I think Ryo had something to do with the "hussy" comment.  She doesn't like Callisto for some reason.  Not sure why, though…

**Pietro:** I'm loved!  Huzzah! *holds up mirror and smiles in it*

**Magneto:** …this is my clone?

**X23:** *beats the reviewer within an inch of his life and returns to the set*

RahneMan

**Pyro & Lance:** Ahhhhhhh!  *run away in fear* It's loose!

Gifted Empress

**Todd:** I DON'T!  Where do people get the idea that they'd actually make a good pair, HMM?  TELL ME!

**Lance:** Whoa…easy there, pal.  

**Pyro:** *perks up* Fire?

ASGT

**Remy:** Actually…the resemblance was pretty close.  She looked like just like Rogue…'cept for the blonde, of course.

Fire Raven3

**Callisto:** Don't bother.  We gave up a long time ago trying to figure out what she was saying.

**Agatha:** Confucius once say, "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."

**Caliban:** Right…sssssure he did…

**Agatha:** Don't mock me, snake boy.  

Mysfit Chyld

**Pietro:** *grinning* One at a time, please…you'll all get your chance to worship me soon enough.

**Fred:** Is it just me, or do I not get to talk much?

MoonlightPhoenix3

**Wanda:** Trust me, I'm not too fond of that thing, either.

*          *          *          *          *

_Back at Magneto's evil laid, Fred walks into the room, carrying the bottle of mojo.  He is obviously moody and glares at anyone who gets on his bad side._

**Magneto:** Well done, Fat Bastard.  May I have the mojo?

**Fred:** First things first…where's my money?

**Magneto:** Right.  Bring in the money!

_Pietro enters the room backwards, dragging a suitcase almost as big as he is._

**Pietro:** Moneymoneymoneymoneymoney…heheheheheheehehehehe!

**Mystique:** I could've _sworn_ the midget was supposed to be a mute…

_Fred, meanwhile, stares at Pietro hungrily.  Wait…maybe I should rephrase that…._

**Fred:** Holy, shit, he's tiny.  In fact…he kinda looks like a baby!

**Pietro:** I do _not_ like where this is going.

**Fred:** Hey, Evil!  I'll make a deal with you.  You keep your money and your mojo…and I get your baby!

_Pietro gulps nervously and hides behind his dad.  Magneto gives Fred an odd look._

**Fred:** *sings softly* I want my baby back-baby back-baby back…ribs.  I want my baby back-baby back…

**Magneto:** All right, enough of this…Mini-Maggie, fetch!

_Pietro zips over to Fred, grabs the mojo from his hands, and zips back over to Magneto before the boy can do anything about it.  Magneto takes the mojo, caressing it gently before placing it on a specially prepared pedestal._

_Remy enters the room._

**Remy:** Dr. Evil, I have some bad news.  Austin Powers is back in the Sixties.  One of our best assassins spotted him, but he got away.

**Magneto:** This is ri-goddam-diculous.  We have his mojo!

**Remy:** There is another with him.  A Miss Felicity Shagwell, CIA.

_Suddenly, the time portal is activated and Todd pops though._

**Todd:** Heeeere's Scottie!

**Magneto:** Scott, what are you doing here?

**Todd:** I don't know.  I was sitting around, watching the tube…minding my own business, I swear!  Anyways, _The Courtship of Eddie's Father_ came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that theme song—

_He tries to hum the theme song…but realizes neither he nor the Author knows it._

**Todd:** Er…you know the one.  Anyway, it make me think that maybe we could try and work things out.  You know…you are my Dad and I need you.

**Magneto:** You had your chance, Scott.  Besides, I already have someone created in my image.  He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.

_He looks around for Pietro, who has suddenly vanished._

**Magneto:** Mini-Maggie!  Has anyone seen Mini-Maggie?  *calls out* Mini-Maggie…Mini-Mouse…Mini-Driver…Hello!?  Can we put a frickin' bell on him, or something?!

_A very hurt Todd sits back in his chair and sulks.  Magneto hits a button, and a model moon and earth appear._

**Magneto:** Gentlemen, phase three.  We place a giant laser on the moon.  Allow me to demonstrate…

_There is a pause._

**Magneto:** …dude, where's my laser?

_He looks around and sees Pietro gnawing on the model laser a few feet away.  Groaning at the fact that he has to get up, he takes it from his mini-clone's mouth._

**Magneto:** Mini-Maggie, don't chew my laser.  I thought you went through the teething stage already.

**Pietro:** Seventeen.  Wisdom Teeth.

**Magneto:** Oh…carry on…

_He hands him the laser again, reaches behind his chair, and pulls out another model laser._

**Magneto:** Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at will.  We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a… "Death Star."

_He uses air quotations as he says this.  Pietro briefly looks up from his gnawing to mimic him._

_Todd snickers._

**Magneto:** …what?

**Todd:** Nothing, _Darth_.

**Magneto:** What did you call me?

**Todd:** Nothing.  *pretends to sneeze* rip-off!

_Magneto stares at him, unsure._

**Magneto:** Bless you?  Anyways, since my "Death Star" laser was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons, I thought we'd name it in his honor—the Alan Parsons Project.

_Todd snickers again._

**Magneto:** Oh, for the love of—what now?

**Todd:** The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982.

**Magneto:** Well, technically this movie is taking place in 1969, so that would mean _they_'re coping off of _me_, now wouldn't it.

**Todd:** No, because the movie was _MADE_ in the late nineties.  Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung?  …ass.

_Magneto indicates to the laser._

**Magneto:** When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want, mister.  Until then…leave Daddy to his business, hmm?

**Todd:** Whatever.

**Magneto:** *to room* Gentlemen…allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project.  Fire the laser!

**Mystique:** Um…don't you want to contact the White House and other world leaders, sir?

**Magneto:** Not until I test this thing…now FIRE!

_A screen appears, with images of the laser beam smashing through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode._

_Everyone gasps at the sight._

**Remy:** My God, Dr. Evil!  You destroy the White House with no warning!

**Magneto:** Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion picture Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that.  What do you think, Scott?

**Todd:** *sarcastically* Yeah.  Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive.  Or was it Olson Twins? …Hilton Sisters?

**Magneto:** Shhhh!

**Todd:** I'm nineteen years old.  I don't—

**Magneto:**  Shh!  Shh-Shh.  Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh.  Shh-Shh!  It's morse code.

_He pretends to read from an imaginary piece of paper._

**Magneto:** Le me decipher…it says 'shhhhh!'

**Todd:** You are so lame—

**Magneto:** How many times do I have to SHH you before you shut up?!

**Todd:** I dunno.  Wanna try?

**Remy:** Dr. Evil, I hate to break-up the father-son bonding moment here…but what are you going to do about Austin Powers?

**Magneto:** Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer.  Take care of it.

**Fred:** It'll be my pleasure…

_He walks out of the room, singing the baby-back ribs song.  Pietro hides behind the model laser._

**Magneto:** It's an easy job.  Without his mojo, Powers will be…powerless!

_He is greeted with silence.  A cricket chirps somewhere._

**Magneto:** Oh, work with me, people.  I've heard you chuckle at Avalanche's stupid rock puns, for Heaven's sake!

_The scene switches back to Pyro's shag-pad.  A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe and polkadot, is in full swing._

_We briefly see Jean dancing in an oversized birdcage._

**Wanda:** *whispers* How long before we tell the redhead that we lost the keys.

**Pyro: ***grins* Wait 'till she actually wants to get out.  Those martinis she drank should last her another hour at least.

_The following numbers of sequence shots are very choppy, occurring very quickly from one to the next._

_Pyro sees a VERY PREGNANT Rahne—with a pillow obviously shoved under her shirt—smoking from one of those prop cigars left over from "Whodunit" and sipping her own martini.  He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from her._

**Rahne:** Hey!

**Pyro:** You'll thank me later, baby.

_Cut to another angle, where Wanda and Pyro are dancing together on the floor.  Pyro turns his head and notices somebody._

**Pyro:** Hey!  Ricardo Monteblan, how are you?

_We see Roberto, smoking a hukka on a round chair._

**Roberto:** Hello, Austin!  "Balls," said the queen, and the king laughed because he had to.

_Pyro turns to the camera._

**Pyro:** Crazy, man!

**Wanda:** Let's split up and scope the scene.

**Pyro:** Don't do anything I wouldn't do…at least not without me.

_Wanda slaps him in the butt as he walks off._

**Pyro:** Eep!

_Cut to a scene of Pyro sitting at the bar next to Ryo…who is dressed as an exotic-looking mod chick._

**Pyro:** You're very exotic, baby.

**Ryo:** I think it comes from being part Asian.

**Pyro:** Do you have a little English in you?

**Ryo:** No.

**Pyro:** Would you like to?

_Cut to…Sam, pretending to be an Alan Zeus-type *very* gay guy._

**Sam:** *rolls his eyes* This is ridiculous!

_Cut briefly back to…an image of Pyro lying dazed on the floor, his check red from where Ryo smacked him._

**Pyro:** I think she likes me; I'm still conscious.

_Cut to Pete Wisdom, a London cop, and Wanda sitting on hanging chairs._

**Wanda:** _DragonBlond_'s really desperate for characters, isn't she?

**Wisdom:** I'll say.  Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?

**Wanda:** No, but I bet it really hurts.

_Cut to…ex-Principal Kelley, wearing a raincoat and riding a tricycle, shot undercranked, riding through the party before he falls over._

_Pyro pops up with a book reading, "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY."_

**Pyro:** The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty.

_Cut to…Tabby, dressed as an Eskimo in a fur parka, over by the bar._

**Tabby:** *to camera* I don't get it.

_Cut to…a camera panning up of Wanda's cool hip-huggers, which are *very* tight._

**Pyro:** Those are skintight!  How do you get into those pants, baby?

**Wanda:** Well, you can start by buying me a drink.

_Pyro does a double take._

_Cut to…Wanda standing next to Poitr (Colossus), in his regular form, wearing a Viking's hat._

**Poitr:** *blushing slightly* You were great last night.  By the way, I'm Thor.

**Wanda:** You're Thor?  I'm tho thor I can hardly thit!

_Poitr blushes even harder._

_Cut to…Pyro, wearing a silly, spiked German helmet…kinda like in Hogan's Heroes._

**Logan:** *pops up* Somebody call me?

**Pyro:** She said _Hogan_, not _Logan._

**Logan:** Oh.  Okay.  *disappears from view*

**Pyro:** *cheesy German accent* Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed.  Last night, I had German-Chinese food.  An hour later, I was hungry—for power!

_We briefly see Jubilee and Kurt off to one side, shaking their heads._

**Sam:** Oh, puh-leez…why don't you take a handful of F-off pills?

_Cut to…Pyro and Wanda back on the dance floor together._

**Pyro:** Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married?

**Wanda:** Yeah.  I heard she broke it off.

_Pyro does another double take at her._

_Cut to…Kurt, pretending to be Artie Johnson in a German helmet behind a plant._

_Kurt does a double take as he sees the plant._

**Kurt:** Ahhh!  It's AUDREY II!

_He runs away, screaming._

_Cut to…Pyro taking of his glasses to clean them.  We briefly see things in his POV, which is completely fuzzy.  He looks and sees what appears to be a nude girl: two round globes and a dark triangle._

_Pyro excitedly puts on the glasses and looks again.  To his dismay, it's only Risty (y'know…Mystique's teenage alter-ego) in a flesh-colored dress.  Between him and her are two completely bald men—namely, Xavier and Caliban—and a triangular martini glass filled with Cosmopolitan._

_Cut to…Pyro and Wanda, together again._

**Wanda:** Look at that.

_She points to where Fat Bastard and Amanda, his date for the evening, are standing._

**Pyro:** That is _not_ a pretty sight.  Who is he?

**Wanda:** Until recently, he worked security for the MOD…but we think he might be a double agent, possible for Dr. Evil.

**Pyro:** How do you know?

**Wanda:** We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically.  He's made a lot of cash purchases, he's hanging out with pretty girls who enjoy his company, and he's become quite a fixture on the London party circuit.

**Pyro:** Hmm…sounds suspicious.  Who's the girl?

**Wanda:** Don't tell me you're checking her out.

**Pyro:** No, ma'am.  Purely case-related.

**Wanda:** Well, I don't know…but it looks like he's splitting.

_Fred exits._

**Wanda:** I'll follow him.  You see what you can get out of the girl.  We'll rendezvous later.

_Wanda follows Fred out the door as Pyro makes his way over to Amanda._

**Pyro:** Hello, hello.

**Amanda:** Hello, Mr. Powers.  Fab party.

**Pyro:** Who are you today, baby?

**Amanda:** Robin.  Robin Swallows.

**Pyro:** Swallows?  That's an interesting name.  Are you English?

**Amanda:** German, actually.  My maiden name is Spitz.

**Pyro:** Well, which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?  Either way, it's a pleasure.

**Amanda:** The pleasure is mine.

_She extends her hand, which Pyro takes.  As they shake hands, Kurt runs by them, still screaming about evil plants trying to take over the world._

**Pyro:** Is this another one of _DragonBlond_'s pathetic attempts at fic plugs?

**Amanda:** Probably.

**Pyro:** That's what I figured.  So, who was your friend?

**Amanda:** His name is Fat Bastard.

**Pyro:** Nice name for you to call a friend.

**Amanda:** He's my…er…lover.

_She winces noticeably as she says this.  Kurt runs by screaming again, this time in the opposite direction._

**Pyro:** Whatever floats your boat, luv.  Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil?

**Amanda:** I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.

**Pyro:** Really?  I said _Mister_ Evil.

_He does a smug take._

**Pyro:** Something to drink?  Would you like a Mister Pepper?

**Amanda:** Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper.

**Pyro:** Really?  I said _Mister_ Pepper.

_He does another smug take.  Amanda glares suddenly and grabs him by the collar._

**Amanda:** You know, I'm really a gypsy sorceress in disguise.  Don't make me use you for a guinea pig.

**Pyro:** Oh, behave!

*          *          *          *          *

Whew!  That was actually a long one!  Next time…we see what Wanda and Fred are "up" to.  *snickers*

R+R.  All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves. 


	8. Scene VIII

It looks like we've reached the halfway point…or slightly passed it.  Somewhere around there.  I have to admit, this script is much easier to work with than the original—it's not easy to parody a parody, after all.

I'm already debating what to do next.  It's a tie between parodying _Interview with the Vampire_, _Mulan_ (c'mone…who wouldn't love to see some of the guys cross-dress ^_~), _The Nightmare Before Christmas_, or somehow… someway… grabbing five of the guys and doing _Queer Eye_.    Oh, the dilemma!

~~~~~~~~~~  
REVIEWS

_Rahne Man_

**Pyro:** YES!  *does happy dance*

**Pietro:** tsk tsk…such vulgarity.  

**Lance:** *sigh* Why me?

todd fan

**Fred:** *confused* What's wrong with the scene?

**Lance:** We'll tell you when you're older, Freddie.

**Ryo:** Tell me about it.  _DragonBlond_ does the same thing now.  I can't even watch that movie any more without dredging up memories…dear God, the memories…

_MoonlightPhoenix3_

**Poitr:** *blushes even deeper*

**Todd:** I think somebody already did _Little Shop of Horrors_.

**Ryo:** Trust me, I don't mind.  She's always submitting me for OC stuff!  Something about wanting to see if she explained my character enough that others would be able to write me as well. *shrugs* Just because I live in her mind doesn't mean I know how it works.

_Rurouni Tyriel_

**Amanda:  **…aren't we all _from_ X-men: Evolution?

**Wisdom/Belladonna/Henri: **Speak for yourself!

**Ryo:** Depends on what universe we're talking about.

**Kurt:** *runs by, _still_ screaming* THE PLANTS ARE COMING!  THE PLANTS ARE COMING!

**Amanda:** I stand corrected.

**X23:** What do I have to slice off before you go _away_?!

**Tabby:** *snickering* I have an idea…

_SSJ Tokya_

**Xavier:** I think she confused us all.

**Magneto:** Nice to see _somebody_ appreciates my hard work!  

**Mystique:** Yeah.  Can you imagine how hard it must be for him to play an evil scientist who wants to take over the world?

**Magneto:** Sarcasm does not suit you, Raven.

**Fred:** *scratches his head* I still don't get it….

_ASGT_

**Evan:** Now you know how we feel.

**Wanda:** …and now you know how _I_ feel.

_Silvers_

**Fred:** Doing _what_?!  Somebody better start explaining!

**Wanda:** *downing Tequila shots* You'll see in this chapter.

**Ryo:** Um, Wanda?  You _did_ get the memo that _DragonBlond_ had to edit this scene a bit to keep the PG-13 rating, didn't you?

**Wanda:** … *stares at Tequila* Oh, well.  One more for the road.  *chugs it*

*          *          *          *          *          *

_Sam, still playing the Alan Zeus-type gay guy, hovers somewhere in limbo._

**Sam:** Meanwhile….

_We see a fish and chips stand, where Fred is giving his order to—literally—a window in a wall._

**Fred:** …and a fried prawn sandwich with extra mayo…two whole chickens…a kidney pie…a toad in the hole…bubble and squeak…bangers and mash…three orders of fish and chips…and…a Fresca, whatever those are.  No ice.

_Apparently, Fred has forgotten that we're on a BUDGET here._

_We pan over to see Wanda beside him._

**Wanda:** I love a man with a large appetite.

_Fred seems to just have noticed her now._

**Fred:** Oh, I'm sorry…did you want to order something?

_Wanda groans and closes her eyes._

_Back at the pad, Pyro and Amanda are dancing in the center of the floor to some weird Sixties dance._

**Pyro:** Can I ask you a question?

**Amanda:** Yes.

**Pyro:** Thank you.

_There is a pause._

**Amanda:** Well, what's the question?

**Pyro:** Oh, yes.  Are you really a gypsy sorceress?

**Amanda:** Would you like a demonstration?

_Pyro nods eagerly, eyes wide like a child in a candy store.  Amanda smiles, steps back, and closes her eyes…_

_…and in a puff of indigo-colored smoke, suddenly disappears.  Jean is left in her place._

**Pyro:** How'd you get out of the cage?

**Jean:** You left it unlocked.

_Pyro smacks his forehead._

**Pyro:** Knew I forgot something…

**Jean:** It's no matter.  Let's continue dancing.  I just need you to move…right…here….

_Jean moves him into place as they continue to dance.  Pyro, wary at first, smiles when he realizes it only leaves him with more room._

**Pyro:** You're a bit of all right.

_But as they dance…Pyro looks into her eyes, and sees the reflection of Sabertooth (y'know…assassin Oedipus guy) about to throw a knife at him.  With seconds to spare, he spins Jean around and uses her as a shield.  The knife hits her squarely in the back._

**Jean:** *strained* Oedipus…use the revolver!

_He pulls out a pistol and begins firing.  Pyro simply continues using Jean as a shield, and she takes all six hits before he runs out of bullets._

**Jean:** *strained* Oedipus…use the machine gun.

_Sabertooth pulls out a machine gun and fires.  Somehow, in a Robert Rodriquez-like flurry of events, Pyro manages to dodge while STILL using Jean as a shield.  He then throws her to the floor while trying to catch his breath, thinking Sabes is out of ammo._

**Jean:** *strained* Use the missile launcher!

_He grabs her again just as Sabertooth pulls out this big-ass missile launcher from virtually nowhere.  Needless to say…Jean takes the blast.  But, unfortunately for Pyro, it also blasts the two of them out the window._

_As they fall in mid-air, we see Jean (all black and charred) falling next to Pyro._

**Jean: **The fall will kill us both, Powers!

**Pyro:** Why won't you die?!

_Her eyes briefly glow as we see the fiery outline of a bird._

**Jean/Phoenix:** Phoenix power.

**Pyro:** Crap.

_As they fall, Pyro grabs hold of Jean and pushes her in between himself and the ground.  They land with a THUD, Jean facedown in the pavement.  Her body makes a pretty nice imprint in the cement._

_Pyro gets up, virtually unharmed.  As he brushes himself off, Jean weakly lifts her head.  The Phoenix image disappears, and Dark Pheonix takes it's place._

**Jean/Dark Phoenix:** *strained* You can't win, Powers.  Dr. Evil has your mojo and it's only a matter of time before he kills you and takes over the world…

_Finally loosing consciousness, she plops her face back into the ground.  Dark Phoenix disappears._

_The scene switches over to a random bedroom at night._

_Wanda sits up in bed, wearing a black spaghetti-strapped nightgown.  She puffs on a prop cigarette.  Strange sounds come from off-screen…and as we pan over, we see that Fred's in the bed next to her.  But fear not!  He's wearing a white t-shirt and boxers._

**Wanda:** Thank God for censors…never thought I'd be saying that.

_Fred happily munches on a huge turkey leg.  He turns to look at her, and she smiles weakly._

**Fred:** You want some chicken?  I have more!

_He rolls over, so that we see his butt crack showing.  Hey, it's better than what was ORIGINALLY in the script…._

_While Freddie's distracted, Wanda takes a homing device out of her purse and looks around for a place to plant it.  She sees his enormous butt cleavage and realizes that there's only one place for the thing to go._

**Wanda:** …oh, no.  I spent enough time in an asylum, thank-you-very-much.  

_Like I said…ONE place._

**Wanda:** You can't make me do it!

_Two seconds later, we see an angle on Fred's face.  He is delighted._

**Wanda:** Somebody kill me now.

**Fred:** Frisky, are we?  All right…let's have another go!

**Wanda:** *horrified* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_Inside the volcano lair, we see Magneto sitting at a table with Mystique, Todd, and Remy._

**Magneto:** Get me the President of the United States!

_The big video screen above them turns on, revealing…_

**All:** TRASK?!

**Trask:** *dryly* So nice to see you remembered me.

_A few of his random soldiers are seen in the background._

**Mystique:** It's official…this movie's gone completely off the deep end.

**Trask:** Dr. Evil, what do you want?

**Magneto:** Not what I want, Mr. President, but what I will receive.  In twelve hours, I will destroy Washington, D.C. with a giant laser.

_Magneto reveals the giant laser…which Pietro is humping like a dog.  Or pretending to, at least._

**Pietro:** I'll have you know I find this morally degrading.  Really.  I swear.

**Magneto:** Okay, Mini-Maggie…why don't you and the laser get a frickin' room!  Honestly…

_He turns back to Trask._

**Magneto:** I will destroy one major city every hour…that is, unless you pay me…one hundred billion dollars!

~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~

_He does the pinky to the mouth thing.  Pietro pauses in his actions to mimic him._

_Trask and the others start laughing hysterically._

**Trask:** That's more than the federal budget for 1969!

**Magneto:** Not my problem.  The nation's capitol will disappear forever if I don't receive…one hundred billion dollars!

~*DUN-DUN-DUN*~

_He does the pinky thing again.  Pietro mimics him again._

_Trask and his advisors laugh again._

**Trask:** That much money simply doesn't exist.  I don't think one hundred billion is even a number!  It's like saying I want a kajillion bajillion dollars!

_They all laugh again._

**Magneto:** Come on, Mr. President… "Show me the money!"

_He does the Jerry Maguire dance, looking around smugly.  No one laughs.  Trask looks at him strangely._

**Trask:**  What?

**Todd:** *to Magneto* It's 1969.  That movie won't come out for another thirty years, ass.  They don't know what you're talking about.

**Magneto:** Right.  Okay, see if you understand this: give me the money or I'm going to blow you to frickin' bits.  Do you know what I'm talking about now?

_Traks and his advisors murmur._

**Trask:** But—

**Magneto:** Talk to the hand!

_He makes the 'stop' gesture and signs off._

**Magneto:** I did love that movie, though.  Cuba Gooding Jr. was outstanding.  Oscar speech?  Very touching…

_Todd looks at him with disgust._

**Todd: **I don't know how many more of these references I can take….

*          *          *          *          *

There now.  That wasn't so bad, was it?  Next chapter, we get some nice John/Wanda moments and begin the hunt for the elusive Fred!

R+R.  All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.


	9. Scene IX

Huh.  Quite a few people seemed to be partial to the _Nightmare Before Christmas_ idea.  I didn't know it was turning into a vote.  ^_~

~~~~~~~~~~  
REVIEWS

****

_MoonlightPhoenix3_

**Poitr:** *beet-red* I am grateful for your words of praise.

**Remy:** Any more, and I think ol' Colossus here'll pass out from embarrassment.

**Jubilee:** ooh, I like both those movies, too!  The problem is, she won't tell us who's starring in the next parody.  Bummer.

_Rurouni Tyriel_

**Amanda:** _DragonBlond_'s going to start giving explanation at the bottom of the fic when she uses cameos not from the Evolution cartoon.  She says you're on the own for the rest of 'em.

**Trask:** You think I _enjoy_ working with these…these…MUTANTS!?

**Logan:** *sarcastically* We love you, too.

**X23:** Hypnotism doesn't work on me.  Part of my training was to learn to shield my mind from intruders.

_todd fan_

**Wanda: ***shudders* Don't remind me.

**Fred:** Another _Nightmare_ fan.

**Ryo:** She got the idea 'cause it was on TV the other night as part of a Halloween special.

_RahneMan_

**Ryo/Wanda/Amara/Tabby:** *pull up a chair with a huge bowl of popcorn*

**Tabby:** These reviews are like mini stories of their own.

**Wanda:** And very amusing, no less

**Pyro:** Sorry to disappoint you ladies…but apparently, this muse forgot that I CONTROL fire!  *evil laughter as he manipulates the flames and turns them on Selene6*

**Lance/Pietro:** LET US DOWN!

_Anee_

**Magneto:** Ah, short and to the point.  Just how reviews should me.

**Pietro:** But they reviewed the wrong chapter.

**Magneto:** So?

_ASGT_

**Evan:** I'm gonna go with…confused.

**Lance:** Same here.

**Todd:** Ditto that.

**Pyro:** I get it!

**Wanda:** So do I.

**Ryo:** You would…then again, _DragonBlond_ got it, too.  *sighs*

*          *          *          *          *          *

_It is now daytime.  We see Pyro and Wanda leisurely walking down the street together._

**Wanda:** Austin, tell me about the Nineties.

**Pyro:** You know I can't tell you details about the future, baby.  It could alter history.

**Wanda:** Since when do we care about stuff like that?

**Pyro:** Ooh…point.  All right, then. 

_She turns to look at him, fascinated, as he thinks about it._

**Pyro:** There've been a lot of advances in the nineties, baby.  The economy is stable…or at least it was until Bush came along…people take better care of their health, concern for the environment is on the rise, and…um…let's see…there's an entire television channel dedicated to Golf.

_The two of them shudder._

**Wanda:** Sounds awful.

**Pyro:** Eh, it's not so bad…once you get used to it.  The nineties are about responsibility.  You know, having respect for yourself and other people.

**Wanda:** Like I said, sounds awful.

**Pyro:** I know what you mean.  But there are some plus sides to it.  I even got married.

**Wanda:** You?  Married?  What about the sexual revolution?

**Pyro:** Well, it turns out there were some casualties.  Don't you think you'll ever get married?

**Wanda:** No.  Not until I get a little more… "experience" under my belt.

**Pyro:** Oh, behave!

_The two of them laugh.  Suddenly, Pyro notices something outside and puts his hand to his mouth in fear._

**Pyro:** *wide-eyed* Oh, my God!

_Wanda is immediately on guard.  She pulls out a gun.  Heavens knows where she pulled it from, but that's another story._

**Wanda:** What is it?  Are those white-coated men stalking us again?!

**Pyro:** No…written on my hand, see?

_Pyro shows her his hand, where "Oh, my God!" is written in his handwriting with a black pen._

**Wanda:** You know, some people just tie a string around their finger…

_This time, she notices something, eyes lighting up in delight._

**Wanda:** Austin, look!

_The two of them duck into a camera shop, coming out an instant later with a load of SUPER-8 cameras._

_A series of random shots progress as Pyro and Wanda snap photo shoots of one another all over England._

_Their focus seems to be primarily on torturing a British Royalty guard…who is none other than Colossus, in metallic form.  They do everything to him, including trying on his hat, switching clothes, and having Wanda give him a kiss on the cheek.  He blushes heavily, but doesn't budge._

_The Pyro kisses him on the cheek.  This earns him a strange Look at the very least._

_Finally, Pyro and Wanda take his hat and start tossing it around…then they run off with it.  Colossus chases after them…._

_Some time later, they're back on the street._

**Pyro:** Felicity, I haven't had this much fun since I worked undercover in Amsterdam.  '66, I think it was.

**Wanda:** 1965, actually.  You posed as a Dutch cheese expert to stop Dr. Evil from poisoning the world's water supply.

_Pyro is obviously impressed._

**Wanda:** I've studied your file, Austin.  I want to be a trailblazer, just like you.  The seventies are right around the corner—it's going to be a glorious time for fashion and music and technology.  It won't be long before every flying car has its own 8-track.

_Pyro starts to say something about this, but thinks better and bites his tongue._

**Pyro:** OW!

_…I didn't mean literally._

**Wanda:** The CIA has always been a boy's club…until now.  Well move over, this chick's _taking_ over!

**Pyro:** *hoarse* Very impressive.

**Wanda:** Austin, your voice!

**Pyro:** *hoarse* Yes, I think I'm coming down with something.

_The two of them stop at an ice cream man's pushcart.  We see Mr. Smith (Tabby's father) in an ice cream vendor's hat._

**Pyro:** How's the parole coming?

**Mr. Smith:** *grumble, grumble*

**Pyro:** Now, that's no attitude for an ice-cream seller. 

_He turns to Wanda._

**Pyro:** *hoarse* I'll get some ice cream.  Would you like some?

**Wanda:** No, thanks.

_He turns back to Mr. Smith._

**Pyro:** *hoarse* Could I have two scoops of Vanilla, please?

**Mr. Smith:** Right away.  Would you like chocolate syrup?

**Pyro:** *hoarse* Yes, please.

**Mr. Smith:** Whipped cream?

**Pyro:** *hoarse* Yes, please.

**Mr. Smith:** Candy sprinkles?

**Pyro:** *hoarse* Yes, please.

**Mr. Smith:** Crushed nuts?

**Pyro:** *hoarse* No.  Laryngitis.

~*rimshot*~

**Pyro:** Ahhh!  WHERE'S THAT COMING FROM?!

_He frantically looks around for the source, as a hand reaches from off-screen to give him the change._

**Mr. Smith:** *off-screen* Here's your change, sir.  Oh, and Austin—

_We cut back to the Ice Cream man, to see him pulling off a VERY fake beard.  It is Xavier.  He's still wearing the cheesy toupee._

**Pyro:** *phlegm-y throat* Basil!  …but…

**Wanda:** Don't try to argue logic.  You know this movie has none.

**Xavier:** Hello, Austin.  What's wrong with your voice.

**Pyro:** *phlegm-y throat* I just had a little ice cream.  Listen to me…I have dairy throat.

_He starts singing._

**Pyro:** MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB  
            AND IT WAS ALWAYS GRUNTIN'  
            SHE TIED IT TO A FIVE-BAR GATE  
            AND KICKED IT'S LITTLE—

**Xavier:** *interrupting* Austin!

**Pyro:** …sorry.

_Wanda lets out a sigh of relief._

**Xavier:** Things are heating up, so I thought it best to contact you in disguise.  Felicity, your plan worked.  You and Austin track Fat Bastard back to Dr. Evil.

**Pyro:** But how can we track Fat Bastard?

**Wanda:** I planted a homing device on him last night.

**Xavier:** Yes, and we're starting to pick up the signal now.

_He hands Wanda a tracking device that BEEPS._

**Pyro:** Groovy.  But how did you get close enough to plant a homing device.

**Wanda:** *twitches* …you don't wanna know.

_Pyro is visibly confused before realization dawn on him._

**Pyro:** You mean…you…him…just like that?

**Wanda:** Yes, Austin.  We needed that information.

**Xavier:** Well, thanks to your effort, Felicity, we now know that—

**Pyro:** *to Wanda* Did you use an elaborate set of pulleys?  A block and tackle?

**Xavier:** Anyways…you two follow the signal back to Dr. Evil's headquarters, and then—

**Pyro:** I just don't understand how you could do it.

**Wanda:** I just did what any agent in my position would have done.

**Pyro:** No, I mean I don't understand _how_.  You're so small, and he's so…not.  The sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling!

**Xavier:** Never mind that now, Austin.  You two have work to do.  You must find Dr. Evil.

_We see Pyro and Wanda sitting in the Beetle.  Wanda is driving.  A BEEP-BEEP is heard, and the camera pans over to reveal a tracking screen built into the dash._

**Pyro:** I got it!  A Chinese basket with a counter-weighted ballast!  That's how you did it!  Am I right?

**Wanda:** Austin…it almost sounds like you're jealous.

**Pyro:** Who, me?  That's not possible, baby!

_There is a pause._

**Pyro:** *to himself* …is it?

_Just then, a car pulls up beside them.  Two Dr. Evil Private Army guys—Captain America and Warren Worthington III—pull machine guns and start shooting._

**Pyro:** Get down!  They're firing more cameos at us!

_Wanda ducks as Pyro reaches into the backseat.  He pulls out Jean, and uses her as a shield._

**Pyro:** Ah, never gets old.

**Madelyne:** Speak for yourself.

**Pyro:** Wait…you're not Jean.

**Madelyne:** They called me in.  Something about her taking off and needing a replacement.

**Pyro:** Ahh…well, if it worked in the comics, it could work here.  Thanks for the help.

_He tosses the Jean-clone back into the backseat._

**Wanda:** We're obviously on the right track.

_She motions to the tracking screen._

**Wanda:** It looks like Fat Bastard is…on an island in the middle of the ocean.

_On Magneto's Island—sometimes during the night—we hear the familiar BEEP-BEEP sound._

_Suddenly, the Beetle submerges from the water and lands on the beach.  The BEEP-BEEP sound grows louder._

_Pyro and Wanda set up a tent with a view of the Magneto "Mt. Rushmore" face.  Pyro is looking at the mountain through a pair of binoculars around his neck._

**Pyro:** According to the readings, Dr. Evil's headquarters if over the next ridge.

**Wanda:** Are you sure?

**Pyro:** I think the giant Magneto face was a pretty good tip-off, luv.

**Wanda:** Can I have a look?

**Pyro:** Sure.

_Pyro hands her the binoculars.  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) for him, he forgot the strap was still around his neck.  As Wanda grabs the binoculars, she accidentally pulls his face down into her chest._

**Wanda:** Question is, how do we get in?

**Pyro:** *muffled* Mmmmm…mmmm…

**Wanda:** Austin, did you hear me?

**Pyro:** Loud and clear.  Don't mind me…I'm actually pretty comfortable right where I am.

**Wanda:** Pervert.

_She shoves him off of her.  He now has a somewhat dazed look in his eye._

**Wanda:** Where are the topographical maps that Basil drew up?

**Pyro:** I think they're in the tent.

_He and Wanda enter the tent just as a collective group of HYDRA soldiers gather in the woods.  They freeze in place when they see the tent.  _

_A light is on inside, casting shadows of Wanda and Pyro.  From where they stand, it appears that Pyro is leaning over, on his knees, while Wanda has her hands up his butt.  _

_The following scene is shown from outside the tent, featuring their shadows._

**Pyro:** Have you got it out yet?

**Wanda:** Good Lord, Austin, what sort of things do you put in there?

_Wanda's shadow appears to be tugging a string of sausage links from his ass._

_Some of the soldiers appear understandably confused._

**Pyro:** Oh, anything that catches my fancy.

**Wanda:** How do you manage to fit it all in?

**Pyro:** Don't worry.  It stretches to fit.

_The shadow Wanda appears to pull a flashlight…lantern…can of tennis balls…and a tennis racket._

**Pyro:** Are you almost done?  I can't hold it much longer.

_Some of the soldiers look like they're about to be sick.  They run off in disgust._

_Inside the tent, we see that Pyro is leaning over, holding part of the tent in place.  Wanda is rummaging through a duffle bag on the other side of the tent.  _

**Wanda:** Here we go, one hammer.

_She pulls out the tool triumphantly and walks over to hand it to him._

**Wanda:** It's amazing how much this duffel bag will hold.

_Back in the Evil lab, we see Magneto playing a piano.  Pietro is on top of it, playing a miniature baby grand piano of his own._

_I think you views are smart enough to realize it's not really them playing._

_The opening chords of "What if God was one of us" are heard as Magneto starts singing._

**Magneto:**  WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US?  
            JUST A SLOB LIKE ONE OF US?  
            BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH…

_We see Remy and Mystique are in the audience.  They applaud lightly._

**Remy:** Dr. Evil, that was fantastic…but I do have some bad news.  A group of our scouts have just announced that Powers is on the island.

**Magneto:** How tedious.

**Remy:** Don't worry, Dr. Evil.  We can get to him by using the girl.

**Magneto:** Really?  Isn't that a bit cliché?

**Remy:** No more so than anything else we've done so far.

**Magneto:** True, true.  And how do we get to her?

**Remy:** I have the perfect weapon.  Frau?

**Mystique:** *shouts* BRING IN THE HE-BOTS!

_"It's Raining Men" by The Weathergirls starts playing in the background._

_Three HE-BOTS enter in unison.  They are all the same; a very familiar red-faced synthoid dressed in green and yellow._

**Remy:** Dr. Evil, may I present the He-Bots.  What kind of woman could resist these perfect specimens of masculinity?  There clothes are stylish, their posture is ramrod straight, and their buttocks are tight, like tigers.

**Pietro:** This scene isn't helping you much with those "gay" rumors, you know.   

**Remy:** Oh, hush up, pretty boy.

_Magneto inspects the He-bots from his seat on the piano bench._

**Magneto:** Impressive.  You've done research.

_Remy holds up random issues of "The Avengers" comic books._

**Remy:** Yessir.  And, each He-bot is armed with a secret weapon.

_Angle on the first Vision He-bot.  A nozzle flips up from his…er…codpiece. And white smoke pours out._

**Remy:** Poison gas…

_Angle on the second Vision He-bot.  A gun barrel flips out from his crotch and fire, machine-gun style._

**Remy:** Machine gun…

_Angle on the third Vision He-bot.  A nozzle flips up from his crotch and a yellow liquid drizzles out on the floor, where it smokes and burns though._

**Remy:** And deadly acid.

_Magneto, obvious disgusted by the last one, nervously crosses his legs._

**Magneto:** Right.  I object to the last one on aesthetic grounds, but I don't care how you get Powers…just bring him to me!

_Remy nods, and Magneto turns back to the Piano._

**Magneto:** Ready Mini-Maggie?  A one and a two and…

_He and Pietro starts "playing" again as he continues to sing._

**Magneto:** ME AND MY SHADOW  
            STROLLING DOWN THE A-VA  
            WASN'T A STREET, WASN'T A ROAD  
            WASN'T A BOULEVARD

_He starts dancing in step, singing rapidly._

**Magneto:** ME AND MY SHADOW  
            DOWN, ALL ALONE, AND FEE-LING…

**Pietro:** *unnaturally low voice* BLUE!

*          *          *          *          *          *

There we are!  Another chapter done.  For those of you completely out of the loop in terms of references:  

~Madelyn Pryor was a clone created by Sinister, made to look just like Jean Grey.

~The Vision is an _Avengers_ character who Wanda fell in love with and married in the comics.  He's a synthoid/android (whatever you want to call it).

R+R.  All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.


	10. Scene X

Whew…what a week.  On the plus side, I finally got all my college apps. In.  YAY!  On the downside, starting Monday, I have rehearsals five days a week from 6-9 for _Leader of the Pack._  Doh!

~~~~~~~~~~  
REVIEWS

_MoonlightPhoenix3_

**Lance:** She never does anything people tell her to do.

**Pietro:** It fits and it's funny.

**Remy:** With luck, _Chere_'s far…far away from here…*motions towards Belladonna*****

_SSJ Tokya_

**Wanda:** *twitching slightly* No.  I didn't.

**Fred:** I probably should be offended…but I'm not.  Oh, well.  Anybody seen the turkey legs?

**Vision:** Few people _have_ heard of me.  Trust me…it's a loooong story….

**Amanda:** I can tell you right now; Wanda and Kurt do NOT get married.  That must've been a fanfiction of something.

_todd fan_

**Pyro:** God bless us, everyone.

**Wanda:** That was cheesy.

_Rurouni Tyriel_

**Jubilee:** I dunno…I liked the He-bots.

**Girls:** *nod in agreement*

**Ray:** …there's a plot to this thing?

**Magneto/Xavier:** *shrug*

**Madelyn:** Actually…she reincarnated me from the time _before_ I got my powers.  Sorry, pal.

_ASGT_

**Ryo:** That wouldn't, by any chance, be Moonfairy2000, would it?  She had a _very_ large, bloodstained stick.

_RahneMan_

**Pyro: ***hides behind Wanda*

**Wanda:** *rolls her eyes*

**Lance:** …he's got the right idea, actually.

*          *          *          *          *          *

_We see the Wanda and Pyro shadows again outside the tent.  This time, it looks like Wanda's putting things back into his ass._

**Wanda:** Do you want everything to go back in?

**Pyro:** Yes.  Listen, Felicity…about Fat Bastard—

**Wanda:** It's my job, Austin.  You—of all people—should understand that.  Marakesh, 1962.  Rome, 1964.  Tokyo, 1966.  I know your record backwards and forwards.

**Pyro:** Are you stalking me?

**Wanda:** "Stalking" is such an ugly word…

_There is a pause._

**Wanda:** Yes.

_The shadow of Wanda tries to cram the tennis racket into what appears to be the shadow of Pyro's ass._

**Pyro:** You're right, Felicity, I can't deny it.  But the world changed, and I changed too.

_Pull back to reveal the Vision He-bots watching them.  Wanda shoves the tennis racket extra hard just as Pyro stands up abruptly_

**Pyro:** Ow!

**Wanda:** Are you okay?

**Pyro:** My back hurts.  I'm fine.  Just keep packing.

_The Vision He-bots looks at one another, shrug their shoulders, and march towards the tent._

_Back in the lair, we see Magneto, Fred, Todd, Remy, and Mystique all seated._

**Fred:** Christ Almighty, it smells terrible in here.

**Todd:** He who smelt it, dealt it.

**Fred:** I may be kind-hearted in reality, but I _will_ sit on you if you don't shut up.

**Magneto:** It's the volcanic sumptuous emissions.  We've put up some air fresheners.

**Fred:** Hate to tell you this, but…not working.

**Remy:** Dr. Evil, the laser has been loaded into the rocket.  You're ready for launch.

**Magneto:** I'm just waiting to taunt my nemesis.  So few pleasures, remember?

_As if on cue, Pyro and Wanda are brought in at gunpoint by the HYDRA soldiers._

**Magneto:** Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell…welcome to my hollowed-out volcano.

**Pyro:** We meet again, Dr. Evil.

**Magneto:** Yes.  The only reason I'm keeping you alive, you know, is so you can feel the agony of watching my plan unfold.

**Pyro:** You mean just before I stop you?

**Magneto:** Ye—NO!

**Pyro:** Dr. Evil, your plan will never…

_He trails off as he spots the MOJO in the beaker behind Dr. Evil._

**Pyro:** Fred was right.  It _does_ look like grape juice.

**Magneto:** *casually* Oh, is that yours?

**Pyro:** My mojo!

**Magneto:** You know what they say: finders keepers, losers weepers.

**Wanda:** Dr. Evil, do you like real estate?

**Magneto: **Of course.  Why?

_Wanda kicks him in the balls._

**Wanda:** Now you've got a couple of "achers."

_Magneto keels over in pain._

**Pyro: **Feel better?

**Wanda:** Actually, yes.  I've been wanting to do that since I was eight.

**Magneto:** Feisty temper.  Gets it from her mother…

_Pyro winces._

**Pyro:** I don't care if he is evil; you don't give a man a shot in the pills.  It's just not cricket, baby.

**Wanda:** I'm sorry…did you want a shot at him?

**Pyro:** Well, no use seeing as you already did

**Remy:** [v/o] Is it just me, or does _DragonBlond_ always kick a guy's nuts in her parodies?

**Magneto:** *in pain* Not…just…you…

_He manages to stand up enough to shout orders._

**Magneto:** Take them away!

_The HYDRA soldiers lead Pyro and Wanda away._

**Todd:** She just hoofed you in the sack and you're going to leave them alone in a jail cell with one inept guard?  They'll escape, dipshit.  You do this every time!

**Magneto:** You're going the right way for a smacked bottom, young man.

**Todd:** You don't own me!

_Magneto pulls out a piece of paper._

**Magneto:** I do actually.  Usually, it's illegal, but this buddy of mine…well, you get the picture.

**Todd:** There are child abuse laws, you know!

**Magneto:** Not in this decade.

**Todd:** …crap.

**Magneto:** Fat Bastard, I've leaving you in charge.  I'm going up to the moon to hold the world ransom with my giant laser.  I shouldn't be long.

**Fred:** What about Powers?

**Magneto:** He's tucked away safely in his cell.  He's harmless without that mojo.  Guard it with your life.  Frau, begin the countdown.

_Mystique nods and gets ready to count as Magneto and Pietro—both suddenly dressed in space-suits—climb into the rocket and the door closes._

**Mystique:** FIVE…FOUR…THREE…

_Unfortunately, Magneto is not ready yet._

**Magneto:** Whoa!  That's a little too quick for me.  Try counting back from thirty, okay?

_Mystique nods._

**Mystique:** THIRTY…TWENTY-NINE…TWENTY-EIGHT…TWENTY-SEVEN…

_Magneto and Pietro hop into the rocket as the door slowly closes._

**Mystique:** …TWENTY FIVE…TWENTY FOUR…TWENTY THREE…

_Sitting inside, Magneto checks his watch._

**Mystique:** …TWENTY ONE…TWENTY…NINETEEN…EIGHTEEN…

_The door hatch opens and Magneto pops his head out._

**Magneto:** Tell you what.  When the doors close, say "GO."  Okay?

_Mystique nods.  Magneto sits back down, and the doors slowly close._

**Mystique:** GO!

_The rocket enters space, appearing on a NORAD tracking screen.  It has the silhouette of a flying…er…member._

_Cut to…inside the tracking station._

**Talbot: **Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.

**Colonel Ross:** What is it, son?!  Is it the Hulk?!

**Talbot:** Not this time, sir.

**Colonel Ross:** Then what is it?

**Talbot:** I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant—

_Cut to…a scene of Nightwing and Batman flying in the Batmobile._

**Batman:** —Dick!

**Nightwing:** Yes?

**Batman:** Take a look out of starboard.

_He does so, eyes going wide._

**Nightwing:** Oh, my God…it looks like a huge—

_Cut to…Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson, birdwatching in the woods._

**Peter:** —Pecker!

**Mary Jane:** Where?

_Peter raises his binoculars._

**Peter:** Over there.  A rare red-billed woodpecker!

_As he looks though, he sees something else._

**Peter:** What sort of bird is that?  …oh, goodness.  It's not a bird, it's—

_Cut to…Nick Fury, standing in front of a line of soldiers at an Army base._

**Nick:** —Privates!  We have reports of an Unidentified Flying Object.  It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with—

_Cut to…a baseball diamond, where Charlie Brown and co. are in the middle of a game._

**Umpire:** BWAH-BWAH!  BWAH-BWAH!  [translation: Two balls!  No strikes.]

_He looks up._

**Umpire:** BWAH-BWAH-BWAH-BWAH-BWAH— [translation: What is that?  It looks just like an enormous—]

_Cut to…the radar room again._

**General Ross:** Johnson!

**Talbot:** That's Talbot, sir.

**Colonel Ross:** Whatever.  Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.

_Pyro and Wanda are in a bare cell with cement walls and floors.  The huge metal door has a window with bars in it._

**Pyro:** …wasn't there supposed to be a fiery-pit beneath us?

**Wanda:** Come one.  You gotta give them _some_ credit.

**Pyro:** Aww….

**Wanda:** How are we going to get out of here?

_Pyro folds his arms, obviously in a bad mood._

**Pyro:** I dunno.  Why don't you just shag Far Bastard again?  I'm sure he'd love to tell you.

_At this, Wanda explodes.  Literally.  A few lights in the hallway crack and even more burst._

**Wanda:** That's it!  I don't know what happened to you in the nineties, but I'm still here in the sixties, and I still swing!  Don't try to lay your hang-ups on me just because you lost your mojo!

_That one hurts._

**Pyro:** Ouch, baby, very ouch.  I'm wounded.

**Wanda:** I'm sorry, Austin.  That was a cheap shot.

**Pyro:** No, baby, you're right.  I was wrong to judge you.  I guess I am…jealous.

**Wanda:** Well, as long as you're willing to admit it.

Wanda…

**Wanda:** *sigh* Fine.  But the Austin Powers I knew was wild and crazy and free.  He could never be jealous.

**Pyro:** That Austin is gone.  I've changed.  I knew someone, not very long ago.  A very special woman.  She taught me that life isn't about jumping into the sack with whoever comes along.  It's about caring and responsibility.  And while it is true she turned out to be an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil—which completely ruins the entire continuity of the first movie—I suppose I really did…love her.

**Amara:** *off-stage* And then you blew me up.

**Pyro:** Well, that too.

**Wanda:** Was that your wife?

**Pyro:** Yes.  Vanessa.

_Wanda is touched._

**Wanda:** Listen, Austin.  I can't pretend to understand everything you've gone through…but I trust you.  I'll make you a deal; if we get out of here alive, I'll give monogamy a try.

**Pyro:** With me?

_Wanda grins slyly._

**Wanda:** I dunno…that Russian in the Viking hat was awfully cute…

**Pyro:** WHAT?!

_She laughs._

**Wanda:** Just kidding.  Of course I mean you, silly!

**Pyro:** Groovy, baby!

_They kiss.  All together now: "aww!"_

**Wanda:** We need to lure the guard inside and get the key.

**Pyro:** All right…what if I pretend to be desperate ill with food poisoning?  The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, will come to investigate.  Meanwhile, you dig a pit and line it with makeshift punji sticks made from sharpened toothbrushes.  The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, and we've got the key.  What do you think?

**Wanda:** …Iceman's my uncle?

**Pyro:** I mean about the plan.

**Wanda:** Oh!  That might work…but how about this?

_Wanda charges towards the window in the door, her back to the camera.  She opens her blouse, flashing the guard._

**Wanda:** *seductively* What do you think of these, my man?

_Outside the cell, we see a very mesmerized Arcade._

**Arcade:** Mommy…

_He unlocks the door and enters._

_The cell appears empty.  We see that Pyro is wedged, spread-eagle above the door, ready to pounce._

**Wanda:** It's very hot in here, don't you think?

_Arcade follows her into the cell._

**Wanda:** *irrited* It's very _hot_ in here, don't you _think_?

_Arcade continues to advance._

**Wanda:** AUSTIN!

**Pyro:** I'm afraid I'm…firmly wedged up here for the moment.  Can't seem to get down.

_Wanda sighs in frustration._

**Wanda:** It you want something done right…

_She punches the guard right in the face and he collapses._

**Pyro:** Almost…got it…

_He finally comes loose…and falls flat on his face.  But he pops up seconds later._

**Pyro:** Let's go get my mojo!

*          *          *          *          *          *

…only a few more chapters 'till we reach the end, folks!  With luck, I might be able to get there by the end of the weekend.  *crosses fingers*

R+R.  All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves. 


	11. Scene XI

So, basically, I'm hiding up in my room today as mom runs all over the house trying to get ready for my brother's confirmation party.  -_-() She's driving us nuts and won't stop bugging me about cleaning my room.  Hey, if you can see the floor, it's clean enough!

There's only two or three chapters left, _minna_…we're nearing the end!

~~~~~~~~~~  
REVIEWS

_MoonlightPhoenix3_

**Ryo: **It all started when she noticed the name "Dick" in the segment.  Naturally, being a _DC_ fan as well as Marvel…her first thought was of Nightwing.  The rest just kinda fell into place.

**Pyro/Wanda:** *high five one another*

**Wanda:** Don't worry.  I've got my guy right here. *motions to Pyro* God help me…

_Rurouni Tyriel_

**Madelyne:** You can't do anything to me 'cause technically, I'm not an _Evo_ character…and therefore, only exist in _DragonBlond_'s world.  Ha!

**Pyro:** Oh, I'll keep up the good work, all right…along with other things.

**Wanda:** *smacks him* Pervert.

**Ryo:** Of course she's evil.  I'm surprise you're just picking up on that _now_.

**X23:** Mmm…no.

_Draco-luver_

**Lance:** You've wasted _two hours_ of your life reading this trash?!

**Pietro:** Just goes to show the intelligence level of her audience…then again, I _am_ irresistibly cute.

**Magneto:** This soon enough for you?

_ASGT_

**Xavier/Magneto:** …

*          *          *          *          *          *

_Up in Magneto's evil moon base…we see a stark, steel girder and glass structure._

_Magneto is trying to look all mighty and dignified.  But it's kinda hard to do so when you're FLOATING AWAY.  He grabs at the railing of his chair as his feet float up._

**Magneto:** Has anyone seen my gravity booties?  Honestly, all I wanted was a frickin' moon base.  Hello?  We're on the moon—no gravity?

_He calls out._

**Magneto:** Mini-Maggie?  Are you all right?

_Angle to the top of the room, where Pietro (Mini-Maggie) does a number of flips across the ceiling._

**Pietro:** WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! 

**Magneto:** My frickin' mascot is floating around on the ceiling, okay?  Not good.  Papa not happy.

_A couple of random HYDRA henchmen place boots on Magneto's feet.  He drops to the floor._

**Magneto:** Somebody get the stick.  Hold on, Mini-Maggie!

**Pietro:** *from above* WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

_Magneto rolls his eyes, then turns his attention to his microphone._

**Magneto:** Begin laser—

_He is interrupted by terrible feedback.  Tapping once on the mike, he tries again._

**Magneto:** Begin—

_There's even worse feedback.  He holds the microphone much farther away._

**Magneto:** Begin laser ignition sequence.

_The laser's coils begin to glow red as a computerized voice speaks up:_

**Cerebro:** Lunar.  Alignment.  In.  Six.  Hours.

**Magneto:** Wow…when she said she was using _all_ the characters…she wasn't kidding….

_Back in the volcano lair, Pyro and Wanda run into the main room.  It is eerily dark and quiet._

**Wanda:** Where's you mojo, Austin?

**Pyro:** I'm not sure.

_Suddenly, "It's Raining Men" by the Weathergirls starts playing.  The lights dim.  Three Vision He-Bots decend from the ceiling on trapeze and acrobatic rings, their muscles rippling._

**Wanda:** Oh, baby…

**Pyro:** Watch out, baby, He-Bots!

_The He-Bots flip off their trapezes and land in unison, like a perfect Olympic dismount._

_Pyro and Wanda each hold up a scorecard.  Hers reads "10.0" but his reads ".001"_

_Suddenly, their crotch nozzles flip up, one by one.  Pyro covers Wanda's eyes._

**Pyro:** I can't fight them without my mojo!

**Wanda:** *removes his hand from her eyes* Who said anything about fighting?

_Very seductive music starts up._

_Wanda does a very seductive dance, with hip thrusts…bumps…grinds…the works.  One by one, the He-Bots explode as they succumb to her female mojo._

**Wanda:** Well…that's one way to ditch an Ex.

**Pyro:** Smashing, Felicity!  You were making me very horny, man!  Extremely randy, indeed!

_Wanda grins proudly._

**Fred:** [v/o] C'mon…give the lads a show.  Why not try taking off your top?  Put 'em on the glass!  Make 'em bounce!

_The two of them turn to see Fred lurking in the background._

**Pyro:** Fat Bastard!

**Fred:** Looking for this, Mr. Powers?

_He holds up the beaker, and is flanked by a dozen HYDRA soldiers._

**Pyro:** Give me back my mojo, Fat Bastard!

**Fred:** I give the orders, shit-for-brains.  Guards, take them back to their cells!

_The guards approach._

**Wanda:** Hold on.  Let me ask you one question.

**Fred:** All right…I guess I owe you that much.

**Wanda:** Are you happy?

**Fred:** What kind of stupid-ass question is that?  I'm rich, I'm employed, and I'm up to my armpits in clean stinky.

**Wanda:** You didn't answer my question.  Are you happy?

**Fred:** It's about my girth, isn't it?  I'm tellin' ya…I'm not really fat, I'm just big boned!  Sure, I probably _could_ lose a few pounds…but I could shiva git!

**Wanda:** Are you happy?

**Fred:** OF COURSE I'M NOT HAPPY!

_Suddenly, Pietro zips onto the screen from out of nowhere, playing a sad tune on the violin._

**Fred:** Look at me!  I'm a big fat slob.  I've got bigger titties than you do!  I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book.  I've nay see ma willie in two years…that's enough time to declare it legally dead!  I can't stop eating.  I eat because I'm unhappy…and I'm unhappy because I eat.

_He starts to cry._

**Fred:** I'm caught in a cycle and there's no escape!

**Pyro:** Well…maybe inside that Fat Bastard, there's a thin bastard, trying to get out.

**Fred:** Maybe there's a big crap inside me trying to get out, jack-ass!  

_The violin music comes to a screeching halt, and Pietro zips out of the scene before anyone realizes he was there._

**Fred:** Enough of your new-age aphorisms. Listen, I've run the gamut of self-help books.  I'm so weak, I hate myself.  I'm for shit.  Here, take the mojo.

_He hands over the bottle._

**Fred:** I appreciate you trying to reach me, but no one can do it for me.  I know this now.  There's a hole in my soul that food won't fill.  This is the beginning of a new me.  I'm gonna go to the gym everyday!  Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I have to get in touch with and forgive: myself.

_There is a pause as we hear a long, squeaky wind-breaking._

**Fred:** Sorry.  I farted.  It's a long road ahead.

_Outside the lair, on the evil island, it is now daytime.  We see Pyro and Wanda run up to the Beetle._

**Pyro:** Hold on.  I've got something very important to do.

_He drinks the mojo._

**Pyro:** Mmm…it _is_ grape juice!  Yummy.

**Wanda:** How do you feel?

**Pyro:** Sound as a pound.  My spuds are boiling…fancy a shag?

**Wanda:** Austin, we don't have time.

**Pyro:** C'mon, luv.  Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!

**Wanda:** Dr. Evil's taken his laser to the moon.  The world's in danger!

**Pyro:** Right.  The moon.  I think I know someone who can give us a lift.

_Cut to…Cape Canaveral, where the Apollo rocket looks ready for liftoff._

**Beast:** [v/o] There's been some sort of delay in the launch of Apollo 11, Walter, but we understand that America's first manned mission to the moon will be blasting off shortly.

_Inside the capsule, we see both Pyro and Wanda in spacesuits.  There is another astronaut standing next to them, wearing a helmet.  The three are surrounded by hundreds of gauges, buttons, and meters._

**Pyro:** Gor blimey, you'd have to be a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out.

_The astronaut flips up the visor of his helmet, revealing Forge._

**Forge:** I am a rocket scientist.

**Pyro:** Sweet.

_The hatch begins to close, and we heard the Mission Commander (a.k.a. Kitty) begin the countdown._

**Kitty:** [v/o]  We will have lift-off in T-minus ten seconds…nine…eight…seven…five…

**Pyro:** Whoa!  What happened to six?

**Kitty:** [v/o] Just kidding.

_The three inside the capsule groan at the obvious "Spaceballs" reference._

**Pyro:** Felicity, if you get frightened, just hold my hand.

**Forge:** What about _me_?!  We've got _Kitty_ sitting in front of the _computer_ that controls this thing!

_There is a pause as they realize what this means._

_Cut to…am image of the rocket blasting off._

**Pyro/Wanda/Forge:** [v/o] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Kitty:** [v/o] Very funny.  We have lift-off!  Apollo 11 has cleared the tower and is heading for a rendezvous with the moon.

_Inside the capsule, Pyro is terrified.  He clutches Wanda's hand, then grabs on to Forge, who is sitting on his other side._

**Wanda:** *yelling*  Yaaaaaaa-hoooooo!

_Wanda, on the other hand, loves it._

_Back inside, with the NASA technicians, we see Xavier._

**Xavier:** Austin, you have achieved lunar orbit.  How was that lift-off?

_Cut to inside the rocket._

**Pyro:** To be honest, it was terrifying.  It felt like sitting on top of a bomb.  As I punched through the atmosphere, I said "Oh, my God!" and I'm not even that religious.

**Xavier:** *on com-link* Happens all the time in that situation.

**Wanda:** Basil, it was amazing!

**Xavier:** *on com-link* Prepare for moon landing.  We only have on hour until Dr. Evil fires the laser!

_The lunar module settles on the moon.  No, I don't care if the time seemed too short…this is no time to be arguing Science!_

**Pyro:** [v/o] Mission control, the swinger has landed!

_Pyro and Wanda step outside in their spacesuits._

**Pyro:** This is one small step for man, but a giant step for shagging.  Can you imagine it, baby?  Weightlessness?  The permutations are mind-boggling.

**Wanda:** Not now, Austin.

_Pyro plants a UNION JACK on the moon._

**Pyro:** God Save the Queen.

_Back in the control room, Kitty shakes her head._

**Kitty:** The Queen?  This is an American show, goddammit!  Let's roll that footage we shot last week in the studio.

_A typical '60s American family gathers around the TV to watch Neil Armstrong's "real" moon landing._

*          *          *          *          *          *

I'm in a very updating kinda mood this weekend…so look for the next chapter most likely some time this afternoon!

R+R.  All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.


	12. Scene XII

Mmm…still bored.  Still trying to avoid doing actual chores.  REALLY looking forward to this chapter. ^_~

**Primary Colors Update: Half done, _minna_!  I only have two and a half scenes left to write before it's all set for posting…FINALLY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
(From this point forward, I'm no longer answering reviews.  It just takes up too much time.  Plus, I know you really just want to get to the actual fic anyway.)

*          *          *          *          *          *          

_Magneto walks all the way around a tubular hallway—up the walls, across the ceiling, upside down and back again, settling into his chair.  It's exactly like that shot in 2001 Space Odyssey._

_Geez…with all these references, I'm starting to see why this script never made it to the big screen…._

**Magneto:** Position the laser.

_The laser shifts into place.  An alarm goes off suddenly, and lights flash._

**Cerebro:** Warning!  Laser. Calibration!

**Magneto:** Get me the President!

_The screen flickers on.  Trask is sitting in his chair, looking pissed-off as usual._

**Magneto:** Mr. President, your time is up.  This is your last chance to pay 100 billion dollars, or see Washington D.C. destroyed.

**Cerebro:** Warning!  Laser. Calibration!

_The alarm continues to blare._

_The scene switches to a split-screen, with Magneto on one side and Trask on the other._

**Trask:** What?  I can't hear you.

**Magneto:** Pry me 100 billion dollars or see Washington D.C. destroyed!

_The alarm blares._

**Trask:** I'm sorry, I just can't hear you.

**Magneto:** *louder* The Capital will be destroyed—

_The alarm continues to blare._

**Trask:** Sorry!  I just can't—  I think it's that alarm.

**Magneto:** Could someone shut off that frickin' alarm?  I'm trying to hold the free world hostage, here!  Honestly….

_He looks around the room for help, then turns back to the screen._

**Magneto:** I WILL DESTROY WASHINGTON DC UNLESS YOU PAY ME—

_The alarm shuts off, but Magneto is still shouting._

**Magneto:** ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!

_His yelling startles even himself._

**Trask:** Please, Dr. Evil, be reasonable.  That's more money than is in the entire Federal Treasury!

**Magneto:** Oh well…I guess you have one minute to "show me the money"!

**Trask:** I still don't know what that means.  I can't show you the money because we don't _have_ the money!

**Magneto:** Then I suppose you're up shit's crick without a paddle.

_We cut to inside the NASA control room, filled with a bank of old-fashioned computers and a tracking screen.  Amidst the crowd of Generals, VIPS, and Mission Control Specialists, we see Xavier sitting nervously._

**Xavier:** Gentlemen, Austin has landed on the moon.  We'll soon know whether he has succeeded…or whether the world will be destroyed.

_In the hallway of Magneto's evil moon base, Pyro and Wanda enter through a hatch and step out of their spacesuits._

**Wanda:** Let's find Dr. Evil.

_Suddenly, Pyro notices something._

**Pyro:** Shhh…

_He points.  We see a profile though a sheet of frosted glass.  By the shape of the helmet and cape, it looks distinctively like Magneto, with a machine gun.  Pyro takes careful aim and fires.  We see the shadow take the hit and fall._

**Wanda:** Austin, you've done it!  You got Dr. Evil!

**Pyro:** Of course I did, baby.  I've got my mojo working overtime.

**Wanda:** Austin, I'm going ahead.  Cover my rear!

**Pyro:**  Now you're startin' to sound like me, luv.

_Wanda runs ahead.  Pyro runs over to where the shadow came from.  He sees that it was not Magneto…but Mini-Maggie, Pietro, carrying a mini-machine gun._

_Pyro is ashamed._

**Pyro:** Poor little bugger.  He's so small…he's like a dog or something.

_He chokes back a tear, then realizes something._

**Pyro:** Wait a second.  Dr. Evil is still alive!  Felicity!!!

_He runs after her._

_As soon as he is out of sight, Pietro opens one eye and grins._

**Pietro:** Sucker.

_He gets up, dusts himself off, and zips out of there.  His laughter echoes down the hallway._

**Pietro:** *echo* Hehehehehehehehehehehehe!

_In the main room, Pyro rounds the corner and comes upon Magneto.  He pulls his gun on the villain._

**Pyro:** All right, slap-head, turn around.  Slowly.

**Magneto:** Aren't you…forgetting something?

_A wall panel in the main chamber revolves, revealing Wanda enclosed in a glass tube._

**Pyro:** Felicity!  What have you done to her?

**Magneto:** Don't worry, she's not dead…yet.

**Wanda:** *sarcastically* Ladies and Gentlemen…the father of the year!

_Brightly colored gas starts to fill the glass chamber._

**Wanda:** Don't worry about me, Austin.  You've got to save the world!

**Magneto:** It looks like you have a choice, Powers.  Save the world…or save your girlfriend.

_Pyro is torn.  He looks back and forth between Wanda and the laser, which is on the other side of the room._

**Pyro:** I've got my mojo back, man.  I can do both!

**Magneto:** We'll see.  Fire the laser!

_The woman manning the laser's joystick—namely, Ryo—begins to move it.  Pyro leaps across the room and reaches her just in time._

**Pyro:** Hands off my joystick, baby.

_He wrestles with her for a moment, surprised by her strength.  The two of them knock it askew accidentally._

_In space, the laser beam hits the Big Boy rocket right in the crock.  The Big Boy's eyes cross in pain._

**Remy:** *off-stage* And again!

Hey, don't look at me…it's IN the script!  *holds up script*

_Back in the evil moon base…_

**Magneto:** Damn you, Powers!

_Magneto hits a SELF-DESTRUCT button.  That stupid alarm starts blaring again._

**Cerebro:** Warning!  Deafcon. 4. Sequence. Initiated.

**Magneto:** Why can't you just say "self-destruct" like all the computerized voices?

**Cerebro:** Don't. Make. Me. Come. Down. There.

_The base is rocked by explosions._

**Pyro:** See, Dr. Evil?  I told you I could do both.

**Magneto:** Perhaps you spoke too soon…

_Pyro looks over.  Wanda has slumped over in the tube._

**Pyro:** Noooooo!

_He bangs furiously on the glass._

**Pyro:** Felicity!  Felicity, wake up!  Wake up!  Please God, don't take her away.

_It is too late.  Magneto runs though the time portal and gets away._

**Pyro:** Felicity, you have to understand…I _though_ I had my mojo back.  This isn't fair….

_Tears form in his eyes._

**Pyro:** I love you, Wa—er—Felicity!  I know I couldn't say it before, but I really do love you!

_If you look reeeeeeally closely, you can see Wanda blush at his Freudian slip._

**Pyro:** *enraged* Dr. Evil…I'll kill him!

_Pyro starts to chase after him, but three private army men block his path.  Fortunately, they're only Duncan and two of his football goons.  _

_He charges the first soldier—a nameless Duncan flunky—and rips his heart out._

_Pyro then turns to the second soldier—another nameless Duncan flunky—and rips his spine out.  You know…all "Mortal Combat"-like.  Told you there were a lot of references._

_At this point, Duncan is pretty much scared shitless.  Pyro swings both fists simultaneously, crushing his head…which explodes like a pumpkin._

**Pyro:** You know, if it weren't for the circumstances…I might have enjoyed that more.

_He then runs to the time portal, which is set for 75 B.C."  He runs though._

_Somewhere in 75 B.C., in a Roman villa, we see Magneto…in a toga…with a laurel.  Remy and Mastermind are feeding him grapes._

**Mastermind:** This was _not_ in the job description.

**Magneto:** You make love to your wife out of duty…your mistress for pleasure…and a Roman boy for ecstasy.

_Remy starts twitching._

_Magneto notices Pyro._

**Magneto:** Shit.

_He runs away as Pyro appears though the time portal.  He then follows Magneto into another time portal._

_Patrick Stewart, Halle Berry, Famke Jassen, James Marsden and Hugh Jackman are gathered in an office room._

**Patrick Stewart:** You'll be safe here from Magneto.

**Hugh Jackman:** What's a Magneto?

_Just then, the time portal appears on one wall.  Magneto and Pyro each run out of the portal, across the room, and into another time portal on the opposite wall._

**Patrick Stewart:** …_that_'s a Magneto.

_Somewhere, in the deep reaches of space, Pyro appears from the time portal just in time to see Magneto hoping into an escape pod.  He runs across a familiar looking room, drawing stares from the entire cast, before hopping in the nearest pod and running after him._

_Patrick Stewart, in a red and black spandex-y outfit, shakes his head._

**Patrick Stewart:** I just got the strangest Déjà vu feeling.

_There is an escape-pod wash right in the middle of space, which is—of course—another time portal.  Magneto disappears though it, quickly followed by Pyro._

_Passengers in a period garb of the early nineteen hundreds walk past a lifesaver with the word "TITANIC" stenciled above it.  Magneto comes running though a portal, with Pyro hot on his heels.  Pun intended.  Hehe._

_The voice of the Captain Edward J. Smith rings out suddenly._

**Bernard Hill:** Iceberg, dead ahead!

_Suddenly, the ship tilts at a radical angle.  Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, and James Cameron slide by._

**James Cameron:** I'm king of the world!

**Leonardo DiCaprio:** That's my line!

**James Cameron:** Shut up and look pretty so the fangirls swoon over you and buy more copies of the movie!

_Pyro and Magneto both slide backwards—shaking their heads at the trio—and into the time portal they just came from._

_In present day London, Pyro is still chasing Magneto on foot.  In a slow-motion sequence, Pyro dives for a ridiculously long time and tackles Magneto, pinning him to the floor._

**Pyro:** I'm going to kill you, you bastard!

**Magneto:** Before you do that, know this:  Austin, I am…your…father.

_There is a dramatic fanfare as Pyro recoils in shock._

**Pyro:** Really?

**Magneto:** No.  I can't back that up.  I was just grasping at straws.  I had nothing.  But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers…you really have become a product of the nineties.

**Pyro:** How so?

**Magneto:** You're more interested in your job as glorified policeman than you are in love.  You won the battle, but I won the war.  Love means nothing, and you've proved it.

**Pyro:** I didn't think that Felicity was going to die.

**Magneto:** What a cowardly response.  I'm disappointed really.  You have the power to go back in time and save her…but it means letting me go.

_Pyro looks over and sees another time portal.  Though it, he can glimpse the lair and Wanda._

**Magneto:** Well, Mr. Powers…which is it going to be?  Me or the girl?

**Pyro:** Felicity!

_Without hesitation, he throws Magneto to the floor and runs through the portal._

*          *          *          *          *          *

Stay tuned for the stunning and harrowing conclusion!  

R+R.  All questions, comments, and anything else are to be directed to the characters themselves.


	13. Finale

*passes out*  

You'd think my parents would be wary of letting me get behind the wheel with a new license…instead, they've turned me into today's errand girl.  I had to run to the store FIVE times in three hours.  Gah!

*          *          *          *          *          *

_Back in the evil moon base, we see the same scene from a few moments (*coughhourscough*) ago.  Wanda is in the glass tube, and the brightly colored gas is starting to fill it._

**Magneto:** It looks like you have a choice: save the world…or save your girlfriend.

**Pyro:** I choose love, baby.

_Pyro runs over to the glass tube at a speed that threatens Pietro's and smashes his fist through it._

**Pyro:** …ow…

_The glass shatters and he pulls Wanda out.  She gasps for air._

**Pyro:** Felicity, I love you.

**Wanda:** *breathless* But I thought…

**Pyro:** That was another place and another time, baby.

_They kiss for a really long time._

*sigh* Ah, lamour… *pulls out a bowl of popcorn*

_Wanda pulls away and glares upward._

Don't mind me.  Carry on. *munch*

**Magneto:** Fire the laser!

**Pyro:** What do we do?

**Wanda:** Use your mojo!

**Pyro:** I don't have it!

**Wanda:** Trust me, you do!

_Pyro turns and gives a 'who me?' look over his bottom._

_Ryo looses concentration as she bursts out laughing and stumbles backwards, into the directional control just as it fires._

_The Big Boy rocket spins to avoid the laser, which passes harmlessly by._

**Big Boy rocket:** Not this time, lady.

_Inside the NASA control room, there is jubilation._

**Jubilee:** You called?

_Not you.  I meant celebration._

_Xavier is practically bouncing out of his wheelchair in excitement._

**Xavier:** He did it!  He saved the world!

_He then visibly calms down, straightening his tie in an attempt to cover his outburst._

**Xavier:** *calmly* Of course.  I knew he would.

_In Magneto's evil lair…_

**Wanda:** Austin, you did it!

_They embrace._

**Pyro:** …uh-oh.  I think I just got my mojo back.  For real this time.

**Wanda:** …no kidding.  Austin, you had it all along.  No one can take your mojo away from you!

**Magneto:** Good-bye, Mr. Powers…for the last time!

_He hits the self-destruct button and climbs aboard the suggestively shaped rocket, which blasts off._

_In a cheap blue-screen effect scene, we see the rocket in flight._

_In the interior or a radar room, we see Kitty sitting at the controls with a headset on._

**Kitty:** I still don't understand why they demoted me.  The computer only fizzled a _little_.

_She calls over to Logan, who is wearing a Colonel's hat._

**Kitty:** Sir, you better have a look at this radar.

**Logan:** What is it?

**Kitty:** I don't know, sir.  It's hard to describe.  It's…it's…

_Inside a doctor's office, we see Dr. Moira McTaggart giving Leech a shot._

**Dr. Moira McTaggart: **…just a little prick!

_Leech starts crying.  His mother, standing three feet away, looks cross._

**Dr. Moira McTaggart:** All done!

_She looks out the window suddenly._

**Dr. Moira McTaggart:** Good lord, what is that?  If I didn't know better, I'd say it's a—

_Cut to…inside a Chinese classroom._

**Emma Frost:** Wang!

_Jubilee, dressed in a green Mao suit and clutching a red book, is caught looking out the window._

**Emma Frost:** Pay attention!

**Jubilee:** I'm sorry, Comrade Teacher.  I was distracted by that enormous flying—

_Cut to…a beach._

**Rogue:** Rod?

**Bobby:** Rob, but close enough.  Yes?

_Rogue points upwards._

**Rogue:** What's that?

_He looks up._

**Bobby:** It looks like a giant—

_Cut to…an American classroom._

**Storm:** Penis!

_She uses a retractable pointing stick to point to a chart of the male anatomy._

**Storm:** The male reproductive organ.  Also known as tallywhackers, wankers, schlongs, or—

_Cut to…NASA control._

**Xavier:** Peters!

**Poitr/Pete Wisdom:** Yes?

**Xavier:** Oh, forget it…has _anybody_ received any word from Austin?

**Kitty:** Well, we've picked up his signal, but the lunar base seems to be self-destructing.

_Xavier reaches for the microphone._

**Xavier:** Austin, if you can hear me, use the time portal!  There's no time to get to the lunar module!  I repeat…use the time portal!

_Back in the moon base, Pyro stumbles.  Wanda looks at him._

**Wanda:** Austin, you have to get to the time portal!

**Pyro:** Come with me, Felicity!  It's the only way out!

_She is a bit hesitant._

**Wanda:** Austin, will I fit in the nineties?

**Pyro:** If I can do it, anybody can.  Let's go, baby!

_The run thought the time portal, which reads "Time now: 1969.  Destination: 1999."_

_As they disappear, the screen fades to black.  There is silence._

**Pyro:** *off-screen* …you know, I wonder if it means anything that they chose Nineteen _Sixty-Nine_ for the setting of this movie.

_The setting is now back in 1999, at Pyro's pad.  It is the most up-to-date, modern apartment you've ever seen in your life.  I swear.  There's a large screen TV, a DVD and laserdisc player, a big-ass stereo, modern-styled phones…you get the idea._

_Wanda takes a CD from its case and places it on an old style turntable._

**Old Style Turntable:** SCREEEEECH!!!

_She jumps about three feet in the air._

**Wanda:** *winces* Sorry.

**Pyro:** Don't worry, baby.  It takes some getting used to.  

_He comes up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist._

**Pyro:** I love you, Felicity.

**Wanda:** And I love you.

**Pyro:** Do you want to get married?

**Wanda:** Absolutely not.

**Pyro:** Thank God!

_They kiss as the screen fades to black._

**Wanda:** [v/o] …can I take off this stupid wig now?

THE END


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